Saturday, December 30, 2017

Dream Journal

I pull the book from the library shelf.

Why am I usually alone in here at the library?

The binding on the book is very old.

It smells of old cologne, like it had lain in a desk drawer or maybe a dresser?

I can hear the crinkle of the pages, as if they would crumble beneath my fingers if I were to flip them.

I begin to read about a man and his story of days of old.

He speaks of a different time and place, one of which I recognize…

How is this even possible?


Saturday, December 23, 2017

Merry Christmas

I didn’t travel home for Thanksgiving, so my enthusiasm is almost uncontainable. I also feel so grateful to be able to go home for Christmas break.

My mom looks so much better; there is a hue of color to her face now. She has gained a few pounds after gaining some of her appetite back. Even just a few pounds makes a difference. It is wonderful to see her revived anticipation for one of her favorite holidays!

I decided we should make some cookies, like she used to do for me when I was little. We sit at the counter drinking hot cocoa and laughing about memories passed. Dad pops his head into the kitchen, smiles, and winks at me as Mom and I continue on with our conversation.

The doorbell rings and it is Grandpa. Cookies are done. Now we are off to find a Christmas tree. They had decided to wait for me…

Merry Christmas,


Saturday, December 16, 2017

Dream Journal

I see myself, but I am much older.

I am amongst several hundred people at some type of celebration. They are dressed up in gowns and tuxedos.

Tables decorated so elegantly with beautiful bouquets perfectly arranged. Gorgeous chandeliers and background music as if I were at an opera.

There is a gentleman walking towards me, and he says, “They are ready for you now,” as he takes my arm in his and leads me to the stage.


Saturday, December 9, 2017

Study Group

For once I actually want to go to the Bible study group! This time, I feel like I can share my thoughts with them. After all, I finally have an answered prayer!

I share the news of the new trial medication my mom started taking and that this week she is feeling so much better!

They say things like “Praise God” and “Hallelujah.” I still feel like I can’t say these things, at least not yet. They speak of God’s blessings as I sit and wonder… is it?

A silent thought, of course.

I guess I am still in shock from the news. It was a good night! I felt good for the first time in such a long time!

There is still hope!


Saturday, December 2, 2017

A Heart Beats Again

Dear Readers,

My heart is elated! I received a phone call from my father. My mom’s doctor was reading an article about a new trial medicine and has decided to treat her with it.

I have hope again. My fears have subsided. Maybe God has answered my prayer after all. I feel rather badly now. Maybe I was wrong about God?

My father sounded so happy over the phone. I could feel his smile. Picturing it made me smile.

I let out the deepest breath from my lungs, as if I had been under water this whole time. I almost felt faint.

So much emotion is rushing through my heart and mind right now.

Thank you, God, for an answered prayer!


Saturday, November 25, 2017


Alone at night, missing my childhood home,

A child’s memory of her mother.

Distinct memories of smelling baked pie,

The warmth of her love enduring through time.

What will I do without her beating heart?

My days are void of thought or conclusion.

Father will be destroyed, full of despair.

His breath is combined with hers, now left null.

An animal caught in a snare, broken.

Surrendered to what may come, left wounded.

She struggles to set herself free and tears,

Eventually she lies down and twists.

She breaks free with an unknown destiny…

And strives to mend what time alone could heal.


Saturday, November 18, 2017


Danika has been constantly asking me to go speak with one of the pastors from our Bible study. So I finally give in.

He prays for me and my mom as I sit quietly listening. At least, I am trying to listen. My mind continually turns to other thoughts.

He speaks about how God has a plan, that there is purpose in a person’s life. I hear him speaking about the missions trip we went on, but all I can think about is all the things I missed and didn’t get to see while we were in N.Y.

Don’t get me wrong, helping other people is great. It’s just that there was so much I could have seen and done there, but none of it was possible this summer. I daydream of when I can go back to N.Y. and be a tourist. So many magical places!

This just isn’t working. Counseling is not for me.

Danika is hurt, and I still feel lost! I don’t know what to try next.


Saturday, November 11, 2017

Decisions, Decisions

So I had made a decision to be done with medications, right? But since then, I’ve been thinking that maybe I was wrong. I may have been too quick to judge. Well, that’s what I mentioned to Danika, but I wasn’t expecting her to be so opinionated about my own personal decision.

She began to lecture me on all the possible outcomes of going back on the medication, as if I didn’t already know! I’m starting to think that maybe this isn’t something medication can fix?

I miss home. I miss my parents.
I miss who I was and who I was to become.

My future was predestined. An author was who I was to be. I feel as if I now have to struggle just to be a student or daughter.

Life was never supposed to be this difficult. I want to go home for Thanksgiving, but this time I just can’t.

I miss the way my life used to be.


Saturday, November 4, 2017


I went through some of my old posts on my blog, back when I first had this idea to share my fantastical writings.

I wanted to be able to share ideas with like-minded people. I know I am not the only one who loves a great fantasy story!

At that time, James would come to my mind often. The thought of him still continues, but he eludes me to this day.

The Refraction was real! He was sooo vivid, stirring my emotions from within. As impossible as it sounds, I sensed a connection to something much bigger.

James? Where are you?


Saturday, October 28, 2017

Girls Day Out

I have to give Danika credit; she continues to try and cheer me up! She still reaches out to me as a good friend would do and asks me out for lunch.

She promises to keep things light in conversation. We are just going to hang out like we used to do.

We go out and get our nails done after lunch. That thought had never occured to me. I don’t even polish my nails! I wear little to no makeup. Mascara is applied if I feel like “dressing up.”

Ever since I had the reflection of James in my mirror, oh so long ago, I’ve thought about him every time I go to put on mascara. I have to think twice about it. Sometimes I wish I’d see him again.

Just so you know, getting your nails done hurts! But the pain was worth it - they look beautiful. I am grateful I have a friend like her who still sees some good in me!


Saturday, October 21, 2017

Dream Journal

My vivid dreams continue. They begin to have repeating elements, images. 

Dragons and fire.

Glimpses of myself in a strange place.

A necklace or some kind of medallion.

A two-headed snake with wings.


A river.



I wake up in sweats. They rob me of my rest. I don’t need this right now.


Saturday, October 14, 2017


I am wrestling with the effects of the medicine. Although I thought that I could do this temporarily, I feel as if I have deceived myself.

I have done extensive research on the medications I have taken up to this point. The effects on my own mind and body have been significant, and not in a good way.

At this point, I have decided once and for all that I am done with medication.

Normalcy is now what I desire. I feel out of sorts in my mind. My focus and concentration has diminished, greatly.

My creativity feels dimmed. As heavy as the pain and worry are, trying to numb them has also prevented the passion and inspiration from flowing. I must find an alternative way to cope with my burdens.

I know it must be done. It has to be done. If nothing else, for my own sanity.


Saturday, October 7, 2017

Reminiscing about Brooklyn

Danika and I return to the Bible Study. The group is growing, and they have asked Danika to speak about our missions trip to Brooklyn.

Danika does most of the talking. To see her face light up over missions work brings a smile to my face. Her devotion to God is amazing.

I sometimes wish I had her desire. I still feel out of place around her. As if I am lying to these people. I want to believe, I truly do.

How is it that I can believe in fairytales, but I can't seem to grasp the idea of God being real?

I think the fantasy world just makes more sense in my mind.


Saturday, September 30, 2017

A Lifetime Dream Denied

I think I have said this before: my life goal is to be one of the greatest authors.

Ever since I was a very little girl, I could not wait to get into my mother's lap just so she could read a book to me.

Books changed my life!

I could travel to different worlds within the pages of a great book. My mind could easily fit into the characters. I was able to learn about so many different people. I could become any character I wanted to be.

I would spend hours daydreaming about how I was going to become the best author, ever.

Fantasy books are my favorite, by far.

My mother would tell me it was time for bed, but I always managed to get out my flashlight after she left, if only I could finish one more page.

I have come to realize that my desire to be a great author is still there.

Will my lifetime dream of being the greatest author, ever, be denied?


Saturday, September 23, 2017

Dream Journal

It's my mother. She is with me in the backyard. We are picking wild flowers. I am very young here, maybe four or five years old.

I can feel the sun upon my face as I gaze upwards towards the encompassing light.

I feel the flower stems twirling in my one hand. The other is held in my mother's hand.

It feels like spring, it must be spring. The aroma in the air makes me breathe deeply.

I can hear Dad calling us… it must be time for lunch.

I let go of Mom's hand and begin to run towards the back door.

I look back and yell to Mom, "Hurry Mom!" She says she is coming, but when I turn back around again, she is gone.


Saturday, September 16, 2017

One More Time

He is so easy to talk to. Genuinely, one of the good guys. He still has great compassion for the youth in our community, and he continues to mentor them.

Seems to me his life is going very well now. I can't help but be happy for him.

We had a great coffee date... well, that's how he put it, anyway. A date...
My first real date...

I told him I was sorry, but I had to leave. I had another doctor’s appointment. He said he would give me a call. I told him I would like that very much.

When leaving the doctor's office this time, she changed my prescription to antidepressants.

This is not how I imagined my life. I don't like medications. I don't normally take them. I always believed you could get through things in life without them.

Maybe I was wrong. I feel like I really need the help.

I have been trying to get better by myself and it worked for a while, but now…


Saturday, September 9, 2017

It’s Just Coffee

I got a call from my friend Brian. Remember him, the baseball player? We spent quite a bit of time talking. It was nice to be able to talk to him again.

I had forgotten how much fun we had together while I was doing the research for my book.

We caught up a little more since we ran into each other at the restaurant a few weeks ago.

He said he had wanted to ask me out on a date back then, but he just didn't have the courage.

I told him I wasn't dating. I am not one of those girls who has time for a relationship right now.

It has been a while since I have laughed. He is really funny.

I guess he found his courage and asked me out for coffee.

I said yes.

It's just coffee right?


Saturday, September 2, 2017

Reality or Delusion

Ok, I can see now this medication is not helping me.

The doctor has agreed to take me off of the medicine for now.

My mind is cluttered. My focus is diminished.

My life is spinning out of control.

My sleep is irregular at best.

My friend and I are trying to work out our differences.

I have got to pull myself out of this mess.


Friday, August 25, 2017

Dream Journal

I am in the library. My head is spinning from gazing upon what must be thousands of books.

There is an older gentleman who moves forward towards me. He smiles as if he knows me.

"Do I know you?" I ask him.

"Yes, yes you do!" he replies. It is funny how I can hear him speak, but his lips aren’t moving.

I am awakened.

Who is he? How do we know each other?
Every time I have remembered my dreams I have been alone.
Has he been there with me all along?


Saturday, August 19, 2017

Another Fight

Danika and I are at odds with one another, again. I felt it was time we sat down together. To explain to her how I really have been feeling lately.

I feel the strain on our friendship, but we also live together so it makes this situation even harder. We struggle to speak, and I can see the disappointment in her eyes.

I have so much going on in my life right now, and she knows all of this.

I was once perfect, but now I am breaking ever so slowly.


Saturday, August 12, 2017

Small Groups

Danika manages to drag me to another small group study. I go just to appease her.

Somehow she has her life together, and I don't. I had my whole life planned out. Every year, goals were set and met. Accomplished.

This year has seen its ups and downs. The people at these meetings do not know how I feel. They don't care about me. They don't even know me.

I am not Danika. I am Lily.


Saturday, August 5, 2017

Mixed Up Emotions

Mom calls, and she has excitement in her voice! Good news! A new medicine! A trial, of course, but certainly worth a shot, according to Mom!

I had my first fight with Danika, at the end of party of all places! Everything was great until some guy offered me a drink. Danika is not my mother, and I am not a child.

For the first time, I could breathe, and my mind wasn't flooded with doubt and darkness.

I liked the drink; it was sweet. Danika tried to take it out of my hands and ended up spilling it all over herself. She then tried to get me to leave the party, but I was finally having fun and I wasn't about to stop.

I haven't spoken to her yet, but I am going out again tonight with some new friends.


Saturday, July 29, 2017

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Now, I cannot wake up! God, what is wrong with me? I lay awake next to my alarm, which buzzes in my mind for the third time.

My doctor switched my medication last week to an anti-anxiety medication. Now, I have been late to work at the library twice.

My supervisor has understood the issues I have, but she warned me not to be late again.

Another call to the doctor and another appointment.

In other news, Danika has invited me to a back-to-school party, to get me out of the house. So I decided to go. After all, I went to that party last year and had such a great time. At least for a few hours I can be someone other than myself.


Saturday, July 22, 2017

Dream Journal Entry

I am running fast, really fast, as if I am running above the ground.

I am back in the forest. I can smell fires burning. I can see orange skies. I smell burning flesh.

I have fallen through the tunnel, again.

There is a door; I walk through. I stand within a city, where all I see is blood, death, and destruction.

I wake up screaming, my own clothing drenched from sweat.

I do not go back to sleep.


Night Terrors

You have heard of night terrors, right? Yeah, me too. Only I don't ever really remember having nightmares before, let alone night terrors.

So last week, I went to the scheduled appointment with the doctor. She was surprisingly really nice. We went over all the basic information: name, background, etc, and then I unloaded everything I have kept inside for so long, or at least as much as I could within our forty-five minute time slot. I wanted to cry, but I don't think I have any tears left, honestly.

By the end of the counseling session, she recommended me a prescription for some sleep aid. She told me to call her if there were any problems. Well, after last night, it is time to make a call to her.

I have truly never been more scared.


Saturday, July 15, 2017

Sleepless Nights

And this week? No sleep. I jinxed myself, I think. It was the one thing I had, the only thing I had… sleep.

Sleeping... where I don’t have to think. My mind has no order.

Staring blankly out of my window. I lose track of time.

Danika made an appointment for me with a counselor, but I didn’t want to go. She keeps interfering with me and my life. She is starting to make me angry.

God isn’t helping me. Or else He is busy. My prayers go unanswered.

I did end up going to the counselor’s office. Turns out, she is a psychiatrist. Great, I think to myself, just great!


Saturday, July 8, 2017


I have slept all week. I walk around as if I am a zombie. I can’t eat. I am sleeping but I certainly do not feel rested. Danika has tried all week to keep things up around the apartment.

I have had to work at the library. I am managing to get my work done, but it just isn’t the same. I love books!! What is going on with me? I haven’t lost my passion for writing??? Or have I?

Danika thinks I need to speak with the pastor from our study group. I think she is right. She keeps praying for me. I feel nothing... except lost and completely hopeless.


Saturday, July 1, 2017


I drove back to Lynchburg from my parents’ home, promising them both that I would come home again as soon as I possibly could. I feel the guilt, as if all of my efforts, all of my research, has failed my mom and dad.

You pray to God for help and mercy. You have hope because others have hope, you hear of other people who tell their miracle stories, happening daily.

It always comes back to my one question. Why, God?

Why her? I just don’t have an answer.

Doesn’t He hear me? Isn’t it said that if you trust and obey, God will give you what you ask for?

Where God are you? Do you hear me God? Where is my miracle?



Saturday, June 24, 2017


I am still exhausted after returning from Brooklyn. One week at home, and then I will have to get back to work.

I am home with my mom and dad, and from the looks of Dad, he needs my help. She looks frail and her hair has begun to thin out. The alternative medicine wasn’t working, so she decided to go the traditional route. I truly wish she hadn’t. Seeing her like this now, I wish I had come sooner!

For the first couple of days, I take over for Dad and all his labor of love for her. I tell my mom all about our trip to NY. How we met Jenny while eating our lunch at that restaurant. How amazing it was to help others. The beautiful places and art work I was able to see while we were there.

I could tell she tried to put on that brave Mom face, but I knew better.

She isn’t well and neither am I…


Saturday, June 10, 2017

Brooklyn, NY ... Part 2

New York. What a dream come true to walk these streets.

Danika and I just spent five days helping a local ministry called Chosen People, Shalom Brooklyn. The ministry includes street evangelism, where they pass out reading materials and reach out to the Jewish Community about the New Testament. Danika was great at all that, but I just found it hard to talk. I wish I had a Danika I could turn on and off in my head.

On Wednesday, Danika and I stopped for coffee and met Jenny, who is currently in high school and plans on attending college to become an investigative reporter. She is extremely outgoing and very friendly!! It was exciting getting to meet someone with a similar career.

What an amazing opportunity this was for Danika.

I will not forget this incredible group of people.


Saturday, June 3, 2017

Mission Trip to Brooklyn, N.Y. ... Part 1

Say what? Yes, you heard it here first!! We, Danika and I, were asked if we wanted to help her church and go with them for a weekend!!! Can you believe it? Me neither!! New York City, an author's dream!

I have continued to go to the Bible Studies with Danika and I was so surprised when they invited me to go with them, but Danika assures me it is easy to help others. Although I am still so worried about my mom.

Well, it’s time to pack my suitcase. The library won’t miss me for a few days; I called my supervisor and she said to have a great time. She was actually happy I was going, aww!

My first trip to NY! Here we come!!!


Saturday, May 27, 2017


Danika and I ran into our friends from last year! Remember the boys from last summer? My friends in baseball!!

Danika and I had so much fun. We ran into them at the same restaurant. We said hello and had a great lunch. We laughed about my former knowledge of baseball, which was none… I certainly never thought I would admire them both for their athletic ability and for what these guys do within our community.

The book that was going to be the start of it all for my career as an author has not been published… failure was never an option.

Failure is not an option.


Saturday, May 20, 2017


So I got my summer job back in the library.

I needed this to keep my mind occupied. I am still worrying about my mom and my dad; he stays busy at work, then takes care of my mom when he comes home for lunch. He is helping keep an eye on my grandpa now too.

It used to be my mom who would make sure he had good meals, see if he needed anything from the store, make doctor's appts for him. And other odds and ends errands.

So as I head into my junior year, I think back to when I was a freshman (has it already been two years ago?) and see how much my life has changed since then.

I get to help the librarians put the books away, and as I do I remember my dream from this morning.

I am getting better at remembering my dreams, although at times I do struggle, especially if I am startled awake by the alarm.

*Note to self… So library shelves awaken my mind.


Saturday, May 13, 2017

Dream Journal Entry

I am underground, back in the tunnels. Rog is no longer with me. I can hear others, but I cannot see them.

It is a familiar voice that speaks now. In the distance, but I cannot tell how far... almost as if a few rooms over, like in the dorm, or somewhere else in our apartment.

How did I get here? It’s as if I have been here, familiar, like home but not home.

I hear James’ voice!! How do I know if this James is the “Refraction” in my mind or not?

“James!!” I call out as my voice reverberates off the tunnel walls and echoes through the corridors, and then I realize I am able to see... I am not in a tunnel at all, I am home.


Friday, April 14, 2017

Vivid Dreams, Not...

Since I had my vivid dream, I have been trying to leave the pen and journal near my bed, so that by the chance it happens again, I can write it down quickly.

All week has been me trying to wake up slowly. How do you do this if you are waking up to an alarm, truly?

I needed a break from all the cancer research I have been doing for my Mom. So I have decided this week to look up websites on tips how to remember your dreams. I failed miserably, week 1, Ugh!

I never thought I would say this, but maybe I am just overthinking everything!

I only have a few more weeks of school left, and I haven't written much this semester with all that has been going on in my life. I miss writing my stories, and I miss reading books; instead, it has been mostly what is required of me to read.

How about you? Anyone else remembers their dreams? I don't think I am good at this yet? One more thing I need to practice, I guess.

Well, it's time to go back to deep sleep, Let's hope I can remember where I was in my last dream!


Monday, April 10, 2017

Dreams or Reality Sonnet

When I have spent my nights awake, turning.
My head begins to spin again, aghast.
Remembering my dream, futile yearning.
Future dreams or from my memories past?

Then it becomes a wall of books and shelves.
Inside a building filled with dim light.
The moon casts shadows over our former selves.
We have morphed into destiny tonight.

Then I see the Dream Journal for myself.
My eyes are ever open wondering what calls?
It is tucked amongst the old like Delph.
A vast world unbeknownst, except to walls.

But then I see the Dream has become real.
Where will this lead me, how am I to feel?


Friday, March 31, 2017

Remembered Dreams

I remembered my dream last night, at least some of it! How Strange! I don't remember my dreams usually. I had a book. The book was old and worn, it read Dream Journal on the cover.

I can remember opening and the pages having written words on them with different color pencils, I think. It was so vivid, so real. I actually woke up in a sweat. I went out to the store to pick up a new journal book. Let's see if I can remember them again, tonight!

I wish I could remember all that I just read in the book. I was somewhere else when I found the book, but I don't remember where I was? Maybe I will remember today.

Oh, I almost forgot! It was another great small group on Sunday evening with Danika. My Mom is feeling better and I told her how everyone is praying for her.

I think this faith healing is going to work. God is going to cure her, I am sure of it! Till next week, my dear readers.


Sunday, March 26, 2017

Cancer Research (Part 2)

So, I went to the Bible Study on On Sunday with Danika. I am starting to feel better too! After spending time at home over Spring break and having some of our small group pray for my Mom, I finally have hope for her and her healing.

It's been a busy week, and I have tried to do some more research for her. Reading through all the different websites is exhausting. It's also genuinely confusing at times. I am also not sure which websites have sound information, medically sound that is, and which are just fairy tale remedies.

I have read through some really strange "cures" and I don't think my Mom would want to try them, others sound good, but I just don't know. Then there are the "blogs" I have read, and some of the women have gone through the exact same cancer as she is going through and they are doing well.

It is a long list of things to do and not to do such as no sugar, no carbohydrates, an all organic diet, special teas, homemade recipes and the lists go on and on!

All I do know is something has to work for her! If only I could find "it"! I will keep up on the research and the school and my job at the library, but I have just got to get some rest tonight!

Good Night Dear Readers!

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Spring Break Returning to School

Back from Spring Break. I am so glad I was able to go home and see my parents. My Mom was in a good mood the entire week but did still look drained.

I spent a lot of time with my Dad while being at home. I was able to ask him a lot of questions while my Mom was resting. There were a lot of issues I did get answers about her options for treatments and test results she had gotten back from the doctor.

Mom has decided to wait on surgery, for now, she wants to try some other options first. The doctor advised against it but after almost a month of my Mom and Dad discussing it, this is what she has decided to do. After Mom had made up her mind, Dad said that was it.

So now I will go back to school and do some more research on alternative medicine and homeopathic remedies. I think it is best to do some serious research and be diligent in my research as well especially what works best for the cancer she has and for her body.

Since she has decided to go in this direction, I feel better, but of course, I am still concerned, but it isn’t my decision either. She has had over a month to decide what she wants to do and I stand by her and her decision she has made.

Dad looked more tired than I expected him to look, he even took a few naps in the afternoon, while Mom slept. I am sure he needed the rest after everything he has been through. He loves my Mom so much, and his concern for her is evident to anyone, even a stranger.

I will be going to the Bible Study on Sunday with Danika again. I am expecting it to be another good night, especially after the last small group gathering.

See you next week, my dear readers!

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Spring Break

I have never wanted to go home so much as I do today. I am headed home with a four hour drive and nothing but time to think.

I hope to get more answers than I have questions about my Mom.

See ya in a week, Dear Readers!


Sunday, March 5, 2017

Puzzling Cancer Research

Well, as I have spent the past several days doing research in my spare time to see what is available for my mothers’ diagnosis of breast cancer. I almost feel as if I wished I had not begun this search.

I have had to do research before for papers and writing assignments, but this, this here is not the same. After writing the other day about the thoughts running through my mind and all the unanswered questions therein, I now have only created more than before.

I am not sure this was a good idea. I see why now they tell you not to research a medical condition online. I am overwhelmed by the options and have no medical background to know what would be best for my mom’s particular diagnosis.

I have much more to look up and much more to research. This is not going to be easy. I have to make sure which tests have already been done and which tests still need to be performed.

If you just chose to look up breast cancer in general, you have hundreds of pages of articles and documents alone. If you decide a homeopathic path, there is an abundance of health knowledge, but then you must read through all of it and decipher if it is of any value to you?

I don’t want to call my Mom and ask her about every question I have. I don’t see how that will be beneficial to her. I do know she has a Grade two cancer on the breast, and there are several options for her to choose from, but there has to be an easier way than Chemotherapy or radiation therapy, lumpectomy or mastectomy, hormone therapy or targeted therapy.

I looked further into the homeopathic option, but it has just become a mass of information that extends deep into the unknown void of unproven test ran by some wackos. Thus, I'm still just as clueless as to which will work for her? Is any of these options going to work for her? Are any of these options going to harm her?

I just don't know!

Maybe after I can go home and speak with Mom and Dad, I can get a better understanding of what it is I can do and how to better research these choices. I feel as if I am drowning in a sea of information that isn’t helping me do anything for my mother except being more confused and frustrated than I already was.

I was able to look up one site that has given me some real information, and from here I will continue my research, but this isn’t going to be easy. Why is it that I can’t just find the answer for her? She is always the one who has been there for me and now all I feel is lost and scared... like I'm was a child again.

Please tell me there is hope.


Monday, February 27, 2017

Reality Sets In

I have been sleeping in when I can which isn’t often, and on other days I sit and stare at the ceiling for hours unable to shut my mind off or keep my eyes closed. Danika tells me to take a walk and get outside. I don’t care to go anywhere or even talk now. But I get dressed and decide to take her up on her advice and take a walk. I have done some of my best writing while walking.

So as I took my regular route around the beautiful walkways on campus and head over to the fountain, it is close to the same time of the evening when I am usually getting off work from the library. The trees are usually where I choose to sit underneath, and my mind can wander, and I am able to think about my writings. Now my mind is consumed with dark thoughts, and I can’t seem to find a place in my mind to settle.

I haven’t coped well with the news from my Dad, about my mother’s breast cancer returning. I have gone to classes and been in the library to help others with their writing and assignments. But, you know, I am understanding, for the first time, what people mean when they say they are going through the motions and not really present. I don’t know how others can work a full-time job or raise children.

My mind has been clouded with darkness. I manage to think what would life be like to live without her. What if she isn’t going to make it? What if this time nothing works? Does god help everyone? Does he see me cry? Does he know how much this hurts? Why her? It is an awful feeling of disillusion.

I have spoken to Mom on the phone, and she sounds fine, just tired. I don’t know what to say to her or even how to comfort her. I already feel inadequate to help her in any way, being so far away from home.

My Dad is holding everything together until I can get there during Spring Break. My Grandpa is so upset, what can I possibly tell him? How do I shut this all off? What do I do? What can I do? There has to be something I can do for her….

I remember sitting here and listening to the other students last year speak about the play Peter Pan and listening to laughter all around me, but now it is silent, still and dark, and yet somehow I am content right here, right now.

I have to find a way to help her. I have to find a way for her to be ok. There is something I can do; I just don’t know what it is yet! My walk past the fountain made me think of when I saw James. I did look at the fountain, but I could not see his reflection this time. Maybe it is because it is at night, I wonder about him and where he is at now? I am still sure it was him.

My life as I knew it has shifted somehow…. I must get back home. Danika will begin to worry. I told her I was taking her advice and taking a long walk.

It has been two weeks, and I'm just lost. Where do I go from here? Reality has set in, and I am not ready for this, nor will I ever be!


Monday, February 20, 2017

The Second Time Down

Life was going very well for me until last week. After receiving the devastating news from my Dad about my Mom’s cancer returning, all I could do was cry myself to sleep, and that is exactly where Danika found when she came back to the apartment last week. She said she knew something was wrong and had thought it was my ear ache coming back, but I told her no, it was much worse and then...the tears just fell uncontrollably.

She has never seen me fall asleep on the couch unless I was sick. After I had told her about the phone call with my Dad, she sat with me for a really long time. I just could not stop sobbing. I am so thankful for her. I know I have said this so many times, but when I need a friend, she is always there for me. As she usually does, she told me she would help me and suggested I go to Bible study with her again.

She urged me to go back to the Bible Study I had gone to with her several months ago, and I hadn’t gone back. She said at least try again and see if we can get some help. So I agreed to go. She has such a strong faith; I wish I had her faith now.

So, on Sunday afternoon, we head over to the hall where the service takes place every week. As the Pastor had asked us to do last time, we bowed our heads to pray an opening prayer. This time I bowed my head and kept my eyes shut! I needed help now more than ever. What else could I do?

As the Pastor opened up with his prayer for our group, he said something I hadn’t heard before...or maybe if I had, I don’t remember. Something about Exodus and God is Jehovah Rapha, the Lord Your God, The Healer. I couldn’t believe he said that. How did he know? I had just been asking for days how could I help my Mom? How could she be healed from this again? How is it possible that this Pastor would know that was the very question that had been on my mind for days!

I opened my eyes at that very minute as Danika squeezed my hand. I looked up to see everyone else’s eyes were closed! Is this faith? I can’t help but question it. Can God save my Mom? Would He heal her? Why would the Pastor say the exact thing I wanted to hear?

So many unanswered questions, but I know I will come back again next week to hear more! There is so much I need to learn.

I talked to my mom on Saturday night, and I could tell she was tired, and I could hear the worry in her voice. I tried to stay happy and upbeat and let her know everything was going to be okay! Maybe it is going to be alright? Maybe…I don't know!


Sunday, February 12, 2017

This Can’t Be Happening Again...

I had just hung up the phone with Dad, he had called to tell me the news about Mom.  His voice had been strained, like he had been crying, I could tell.  He got just enough of the words out for me to understand what he was trying to tell me, “Mom’s tests...”  

I cannot put into words the pain and heartache I felt for him and Mom just then.  My heart began to race, so many thoughts and emotions swirling in my mind and body.  I must sit down, I thought to myself.    

Dad said Mom is exhausted and she is resting comfortably now. The doctor has prescribed her some medication to help her sleep.  He told me there were many decisions that needed to be made and asked if I could come home again during Spring Break?    

“Yes, of course Dad!”  I replied back to him.   

I don’t know what to think, or feel or do! I was so sure my Mom was going to be okay after the last tests were done. I don’t have many answers right now.  Dad says it’s breast cancer and Mom has a few options, if you can call them that! Basically, at this point, I wish I hadn’t picked up the phone.  I know that may sound terrible to some people, but I really just wish I hadn’t picked it up, like somehow I could have stopped this all from happening if I hadn’t.  I wish I were anywhere but where I am right now.  

Danika had to work late and I am all alone.  I don’t know where I can go.  I don’t know who I can talk to.  I wish Danika were here.  I wish I could be back at home right now with Mom and Dad.  

This can’t be happening again. 
Wasn’t once enough?  


Sunday, January 22, 2017

Back to Class

“Are you sure you are alright to drive, Lily?” Mom said.

“Yes, Mom, I will be fine!” Lily said.

“Danika, you will help drive?” Mom said.

“Yes, Ma'am! I will!” said Danika.

“Get in the car Danika, hurry up!” I mumbled so Mom couldn’t hear me!

I love my Mom, but it is time for us to get back to school!!

I think I lost two whole days with that earache!

My mind keeps churning over the dream or delusion or whatever it was. It was vivid!

“103-degree fever will do that to you!” the doctor told my family.

I thought I was starting to get another earache, but I must have scared my family and Danika pretty bad. They had taken me to the doctor’s office during Christmas, and I don’t even remember that part.

Danika had asked me just as many times if I am ok as my Mom and Dad had asked me the same question.

We finally get to the gas station and filled up, so with road trip snacks in hand, and we are on our way back to school.

Four more hours to our little apartment and back to the books.

Oh Yeah! I almost forgot.. next week will finally be my launch of my very first e-book!! Don’t forget to look for it!

I have been so busy this Christmas, I almost forgot to post what I have poured my heart and soul into over the past several months, and it is coming out next week!!

So here is to another year down and great success to my e-book.

I will continue to work on and decipher what it is I saw in my dream... reality... or whatever that was I experienced for two days!

It’s just too much to write all at once. Some things are spotty. Danika has already offered to help. Thank God she took notes to what I was saying, lol! She says there is much more to what I said...I am not sure if that is good or bad...Time will tell!


Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Lily…In A Wonder Land

Just a note. I did not write this. I made this post from notes that Danika took because honestly, I do not remember any of it.


“Lily, where are you?”

“I can’t see you?”

“I am here.”

“My head is throbbing.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know what is going on?”

“I just laid my head down for a minute.”

“I wasn’t feeling well, I think I see things?”

“It’s not clear yet, everything is fuzzy…”


I am here…..silence

She said I am here, but it wasn’t audible. She thought she had spoken, but she had not. She could hear “What do we do about Lily?”

Then it went black. Then it went silent!

“Who is that?” “Rog...Don’t you remember me?”

“Me? No, I am sorry, I don’t know who you are?” “ How do I know you?”

“We went to school together. don’t remember me?”

“Rog...what kind of name is that?”

“A family name, of course...!”

“Oooh, what was that?” “What was that?”

“Lily, are you ok?”

“ I hear water rushing..why can’t I see anything?”

“ I am so hot! Where are we?”

“Maybe we should call the doctor?”

“The doctor? What for?”

“Do you not remember our first kiss, Lily???”

“What?” “What kiss?” “ I have never kissed anyone in my life! Anyone ever, except for my family!”

“Go back and remember!” "Just go back, you will see….!”

“Danika, Danika?”

“Yes, Lily?”

“I just had the craziest dream!”

“Lily, you have had a fever for several days with your inner earache!”

“You weren’t dreaming, you were delusional!”

“But I saw Rog, I remember now….!”

“Lily lay back need to get your rest.” “We have to get back to school, we are driving home tomorrow. Well, I will be driving home tomorrow!”

“But it was Rog!...Almost like I went through time just like when I met James, again…”

“Lily, who is James…..?” “Lily, Lily?”



(Danika took the notes)

Sunday, January 8, 2017

New and Old Christmas Traditions

So, I wrote this post last week...but in all the excitement of the holidays, I actually forgot to put it on my blog, oops!  But, I am doing that now.

Being home is just that, “Home!”  The place of home is of super significance and valued in my life at this time. I am home visiting my family and friends from childhood.  As I sit here and watch PeePaw unwrap the very unique Christmas ornaments, that once belonged to Granny, I can see his face and the love he still holds for her in his heart.  He takes turns handing out the ornaments to Danika and me so we can decorate the tree, I realize Danika hasn’t heard their love story yet.  He brings out the ornaments that were handmade by Granny explaining to Danika that back when he was young, they made their own ornaments.

Mom is in the kitchen with Dad’s help making hot cocoa and homemade cookies, in the background, you can hear the Christmas music on the old radio, still PeePaw’s favorite!

There is a knock on the door, so I run to see who it is.  We weren’t expecting anyone today!  I open the door to reveal the faces of my old friends from elementary school!  Wow, what an amazing day! Two people from ages ago just come over to say hello and Merry Christmas!  I did not think I would see them ever again!  I used to play with them from time to time so long ago, now they have moved back to our hometown, what a nice surprise!

As we all set around the dinner table on Christmas day, Danika looks at me and says, “You have a great family. Lily, you really do!”

“I do, Danika!" I smile. “I love my family so much!”

I am so glad you came home with me for Christmas, Danika!

I wonder what I will be doing with my own family in 50 years?  Don’t you?