Saturday, March 10, 2018

Spring Break

I plan to go home during Spring Break to help my father with my mother’s things. That was something he and I couldn’t do during the funeral with all the arrangements that had to be made for her.

My grandpa is so heartbroken. Maybe if I go home I can cheer them both up.

I don’t want to do this. Going through Mom’s things is going to be extremely difficult!

I must push through the feelings of despair, loss, grief, anger and abandonment.

I thought we still had tomorrow…


Saturday, March 3, 2018

Anger Sets In

Why did she have to die?

Why her?

God didn’t heal her!

Why was there so much hope?
Then to see that hope squashed by the finality of DEATH!

Why God? Why?


Saturday, February 24, 2018

The Funeral

As you may have gathered from my last post, my mother has passed away.

I sat between my father and grandpa in the Church pew, just as I had when I was a little girl, sitting in this very church.
Sobbing uncontrollably.

I have not slept.
I cannot eat.

I have said my last goodbye.
I cannot be consoled.

I see all the people and nod my head as they speak condolences to me and my family.

Her voice continually plays in my mind… ”My love for you continues, forever!”

I have lost one of the greatest loves in my life!

How do I even begin to live without her?


Saturday, February 17, 2018

No Meaning Left

I have returned back to school.
I left my father with much to do.

My mother’s clothes are still hanging in the closet.
The smell of her perfume still lingers in the house.

I understand the meaning of walking around in a daze now.

I called to let my father know I had arrived safely back at my apartment.

It was the first time I had called home and realized she wasn’t there anymore.

I fell asleep exhausted on the couch.

I awoke with a soaked pillow full of sorrow.


Saturday, February 3, 2018

Going Home

It is time for me to go home.
My father has called to say my mother is not well.
Sorry, dear Readers, I must go for now.


Saturday, January 27, 2018

Dream Journal

I appear to be writing at a desk, surrounded by piles of books. The desk is rather large and made of a deep cherry wood. The sunlight comes in at an angle, reflecting off the pages at my fingertips. Peeking thru the curtains, I can feel the the warmth. I exhale deeply.

“How odd,” I think to myself aloud.
The titles are all blurred as if they weren’t meant to be seen yet.
Some books are sprawled out and I am furiously taking notes.

Maybe an author is what I will become after all. A dream not so lost….


Saturday, January 20, 2018

Carefree Days of the Past

I’ve begun to wonder once again how people, in general, are supposed to cope with such a thing as cancer.

I have had to struggle with what seems like uncontrollable emotions. Maintaining my classes and my job at the library has been overwhelming, to say the least. This isn’t like me at all… at least not who I used to be, before all of this.

I see others walking the campus grounds, free of problems while laughing and smiling. I remember what that felt like. I want it back! Those days of the past. Carefree and filled with fantasies from my mind.

I feel as if I am failing somehow. A fracture within my mind may be inevitable. Or is this just another distraction to make me think I will somehow fail?


Saturday, January 13, 2018


A phone call from my Dad and my emotions plummet back into darkness.
My Mom’s blood counts have dropped again!!

He says it could be just temporary. Possibly leveling off but not where the doctor would like them to be. This isn’t supposed to be happening!!! She looked so much better just a few short weeks ago!

I was just starting to think it was time to go ahead and publish my ebook.

Maybe now is not the time….


Saturday, January 6, 2018

A New Year

Being home with my family over Christmas break has been wonderful.
I felt as if I were a young child again. Happy, content, and secure.

I can’t wait to get back to class and get my head back into the game.
A sports analogy, if you would… funny.

I have let things in my mind distract me from my goals, but no longer.

It’s a New Year!

To a fresh start and new beginnings.