Spring Break

I plan to go home during Spring Break to help my father with my mother’s things. That was something he and I couldn’t do during the funeral with all the arrangements that had to be made for her.

My grandpa is so heartbroken. Maybe if I go home I can cheer them both up.

I don’t want to do this. Going through Mom’s things is going to be extremely difficult!

I must push through the feelings of despair, loss, grief, anger and abandonment.

I thought we still had tomorrow…

.Lily

Anger Sets In

Why did she have to die?

Why her?

God didn’t heal her!

Why was there so much hope?
Then to see that hope squashed by the finality of DEATH!

Why God? Why?


.Lily

The Funeral

As you may have gathered from my last post, my mother has passed away.

I sat between my father and grandpa in the Church pew, just as I had when I was a little girl, sitting in this very church.
Sobbing uncontrollably.

I have not slept.
I cannot eat.

I have said my last goodbye.
I cannot be consoled.

I see all the people and nod my head as they speak condolences to me and my family.

Her voice continually plays in my mind… ”My love for you continues, forever!”

I have lost one of the greatest loves in my life!

How do I even begin to live without her?


.Lily

No Meaning Left

I have returned back to school.
I left my father with much to do.

My mother’s clothes are still hanging in the closet.
The smell of her perfume still lingers in the house.

I understand the meaning of walking around in a daze now.

I called to let my father know I had arrived safely back at my apartment.

It was the first time I had called home and realized she wasn’t there anymore.

I fell asleep exhausted on the couch.

I awoke with a soaked pillow full of sorrow.

.Lily

Going Home

It is time for me to go home.
My father has called to say my mother is not well.
Sorry, dear Readers, I must go for now.


.Lily

Carefree Days of the Past

I’ve begun to wonder once again how people, in general, are supposed to cope with such a thing as cancer.

I have had to struggle with what seems like uncontrollable emotions. Maintaining my classes and my job at the library has been overwhelming, to say the least. This isn’t like me at all… at least not who I used to be, before all of this.

I see others walking the campus grounds, free of problems while laughing and smiling. I remember what that felt like. I want it back! Those days of the past. Carefree and filled with fantasies from my mind.

I feel as if I am failing somehow. A fracture within my mind may be inevitable. Or is this just another distraction to make me think I will somehow fail?


.Lily

Rollercoaster

A phone call from my Dad and my emotions plummet back into darkness.
My Mom’s blood counts have dropped again!!

He says it could be just temporary. Possibly leveling off but not where the doctor would like them to be. This isn’t supposed to be happening!!! She looked so much better just a few short weeks ago!

I was just starting to think it was time to go ahead and publish my ebook.

Maybe now is not the time….


.Lily

A New Year

Being home with my family over Christmas break has been wonderful.
I felt as if I were a young child again. Happy, content, and secure.

I can’t wait to get back to class and get my head back into the game.
A sports analogy, if you would… funny.

I have let things in my mind distract me from my goals, but no longer.

It’s a New Year!

To a fresh start and new beginnings.


.Lily

Study Group

For once I actually want to go to the Bible study group! This time, I feel like I can share my thoughts with them. After all, I finally have an answered prayer!

I share the news of the new trial medication my mom started taking and that this week she is feeling so much better!

They say things like “Praise God” and “Hallelujah.” I still feel like I can’t say these things, at least not yet. They speak of God’s blessings as I sit and wonder… is it?

A silent thought, of course.

I guess I am still in shock from the news. It was a good night! I felt good for the first time in such a long time!

There is still hope!

.Lily

A Heart Beats Again

Dear Readers,

My heart is elated! I received a phone call from my father. My mom’s doctor was reading an article about a new trial medicine and has decided to treat her with it.

I have hope again. My fears have subsided. Maybe God has answered my prayer after all. I feel rather badly now. Maybe I was wrong about God?

My father sounded so happy over the phone. I could feel his smile. Picturing it made me smile.

I let out the deepest breath from my lungs, as if I had been under water this whole time. I almost felt faint.

So much emotion is rushing through my heart and mind right now.

Thank you, God, for an answered prayer!

.Lily

Poem

Alone at night, missing my childhood home,

A child’s memory of her mother.

Distinct memories of smelling baked pie,

The warmth of her love enduring through time.


What will I do without her beating heart?

My days are void of thought or conclusion.

Father will be destroyed, full of despair.

His breath is combined with hers, now left null.


An animal caught in a snare, broken.

Surrendered to what may come, left wounded.

She struggles to set herself free and tears,

Eventually she lies down and twists.


She breaks free with an unknown destiny…

And strives to mend what time alone could heal.


.Lily

Counseling

Danika has been constantly asking me to go speak with one of the pastors from our Bible study. So I finally give in.

He prays for me and my mom as I sit quietly listening. At least, I am trying to listen. My mind continually turns to other thoughts.

He speaks about how God has a plan, that there is purpose in a person’s life. I hear him speaking about the missions trip we went on, but all I can think about is all the things I missed and didn’t get to see while we were in N.Y.

Don’t get me wrong, helping other people is great. It’s just that there was so much I could have seen and done there, but none of it was possible this summer. I daydream of when I can go back to N.Y. and be a tourist. So many magical places!

This just isn’t working. Counseling is not for me.

Danika is hurt, and I still feel lost! I don’t know what to try next.

.Lily

Medication

I am wrestling with the effects of the medicine. Although I thought that I could do this temporarily, I feel as if I have deceived myself.

I have done extensive research on the medications I have taken up to this point. The effects on my own mind and body have been significant, and not in a good way.

At this point, I have decided once and for all that I am done with medication.

Normalcy is now what I desire. I feel out of sorts in my mind. My focus and concentration has diminished, greatly.

My creativity feels dimmed. As heavy as the pain and worry are, trying to numb them has also prevented the passion and inspiration from flowing. I must find an alternative way to cope with my burdens.

I know it must be done. It has to be done. If nothing else, for my own sanity.

.Lily

Small Groups

Danika manages to drag me to another small group study. I go just to appease her.

Somehow she has her life together, and I don't. I had my whole life planned out. Every year, goals were set and met. Accomplished.

This year has seen its ups and downs. The people at these meetings do not know how I feel. They don't care about me. They don't even know me.

I am not Danika. I am Lily.


.Lily

Mixed Up Emotions

Mom calls, and she has excitement in her voice! Good news! A new medicine! A trial, of course, but certainly worth a shot, according to Mom!

I had my first fight with Danika, at the end of party of all places! Everything was great until some guy offered me a drink. Danika is not my mother, and I am not a child.

For the first time, I could breathe, and my mind wasn't flooded with doubt and darkness.

I liked the drink; it was sweet. Danika tried to take it out of my hands and ended up spilling it all over herself. She then tried to get me to leave the party, but I was finally having fun and I wasn't about to stop.

I haven't spoken to her yet, but I am going out again tonight with some new friends.


.Lily

Homesick

I am still exhausted after returning from Brooklyn. One week at home, and then I will have to get back to work.

I am home with my mom and dad, and from the looks of Dad, he needs my help. She looks frail and her hair has begun to thin out. The alternative medicine wasn’t working, so she decided to go the traditional route. I truly wish she hadn’t. Seeing her like this now, I wish I had come sooner!

For the first couple of days, I take over for Dad and all his labor of love for her. I tell my mom all about our trip to NY. How we met Jenny while eating our lunch at that restaurant. How amazing it was to help others. The beautiful places and art work I was able to see while we were there.

I could tell she tried to put on that brave Mom face, but I knew better.

She isn’t well and neither am I…

.Lily

Summer

So I got my summer job back in the library.

I needed this to keep my mind occupied. I am still worrying about my mom and my dad; he stays busy at work, then takes care of my mom when he comes home for lunch. He is helping keep an eye on my grandpa now too.

It used to be my mom who would make sure he had good meals, see if he needed anything from the store, make doctor's appts for him. And other odds and ends errands.

So as I head into my junior year, I think back to when I was a freshman (has it already been two years ago?) and see how much my life has changed since then.

I get to help the librarians put the books away, and as I do I remember my dream from this morning.

I am getting better at remembering my dreams, although at times I do struggle, especially if I am startled awake by the alarm.

*Note to self… So library shelves awaken my mind.


.Lily

Cancer Research (Part 2)

So, I went to the Bible Study on On Sunday with Danika. I am starting to feel better too! After spending time at home over Spring break and having some of our small group pray for my Mom, I finally have hope for her and her healing.

It's been a busy week, and I have tried to do some more research for her. Reading through all the different websites is exhausting. It's also genuinely confusing at times. I am also not sure which websites have sound information, medically sound that is, and which are just fairy tale remedies.

I have read through some really strange "cures" and I don't think my Mom would want to try them, others sound good, but I just don't know. Then there are the "blogs" I have read, and some of the women have gone through the exact same cancer as she is going through and they are doing well.

It is a long list of things to do and not to do such as no sugar, no carbohydrates, an all organic diet, special teas, homemade recipes and the lists go on and on!

All I do know is something has to work for her! If only I could find "it"! I will keep up on the research and the school and my job at the library, but I have just got to get some rest tonight!


Good Night Dear Readers!
.Lily

Spring Break Returning to School

Back from Spring Break. I am so glad I was able to go home and see my parents. My Mom was in a good mood the entire week but did still look drained.

I spent a lot of time with my Dad while being at home. I was able to ask him a lot of questions while my Mom was resting. There were a lot of issues I did get answers about her options for treatments and test results she had gotten back from the doctor.

Mom has decided to wait on surgery, for now, she wants to try some other options first. The doctor advised against it but after almost a month of my Mom and Dad discussing it, this is what she has decided to do. After Mom had made up her mind, Dad said that was it.

So now I will go back to school and do some more research on alternative medicine and homeopathic remedies. I think it is best to do some serious research and be diligent in my research as well especially what works best for the cancer she has and for her body.

Since she has decided to go in this direction, I feel better, but of course, I am still concerned, but it isn’t my decision either. She has had over a month to decide what she wants to do and I stand by her and her decision she has made.

Dad looked more tired than I expected him to look, he even took a few naps in the afternoon, while Mom slept. I am sure he needed the rest after everything he has been through. He loves my Mom so much, and his concern for her is evident to anyone, even a stranger.

I will be going to the Bible Study on Sunday with Danika again. I am expecting it to be another good night, especially after the last small group gathering.

See you next week, my dear readers!
.Lily

Spring Break

I have never wanted to go home so much as I do today. I am headed home with a four hour drive and nothing but time to think.

I hope to get more answers than I have questions about my Mom.

See ya in a week, Dear Readers!

.Lily