Monday, February 27, 2017

Reality Sets In

I have been sleeping in when I can which isn’t often, and on other days I sit and stare at the ceiling for hours unable to shut my mind off or keep my eyes closed. Danika tells me to take a walk and get outside. I don’t care to go anywhere or even talk now. But I get dressed and decide to take her up on her advice and take a walk. I have done some of my best writing while walking.

So as I took my regular route around the beautiful walkways on campus and head over to the fountain, it is close to the same time of the evening when I am usually getting off work from the library. The trees are usually where I choose to sit underneath, and my mind can wander, and I am able to think about my writings. Now my mind is consumed with dark thoughts, and I can’t seem to find a place in my mind to settle.

I haven’t coped well with the news from my Dad, about my mother’s breast cancer returning. I have gone to classes and been in the library to help others with their writing and assignments. But, you know, I am understanding, for the first time, what people mean when they say they are going through the motions and not really present. I don’t know how others can work a full-time job or raise children.

My mind has been clouded with darkness. I manage to think what would life be like to live without her. What if she isn’t going to make it? What if this time nothing works? Does god help everyone? Does he see me cry? Does he know how much this hurts? Why her? It is an awful feeling of disillusion.

I have spoken to Mom on the phone, and she sounds fine, just tired. I don’t know what to say to her or even how to comfort her. I already feel inadequate to help her in any way, being so far away from home.

My Dad is holding everything together until I can get there during Spring Break. My Grandpa is so upset, what can I possibly tell him? How do I shut this all off? What do I do? What can I do? There has to be something I can do for her….

I remember sitting here and listening to the other students last year speak about the play Peter Pan and listening to laughter all around me, but now it is silent, still and dark, and yet somehow I am content right here, right now.

I have to find a way to help her. I have to find a way for her to be ok. There is something I can do; I just don’t know what it is yet! My walk past the fountain made me think of when I saw James. I did look at the fountain, but I could not see his reflection this time. Maybe it is because it is at night, I wonder about him and where he is at now? I am still sure it was him.

My life as I knew it has shifted somehow…. I must get back home. Danika will begin to worry. I told her I was taking her advice and taking a long walk.

It has been two weeks, and I'm just lost. Where do I go from here? Reality has set in, and I am not ready for this, nor will I ever be!


Monday, February 20, 2017

The Second Time Down

Life was going very well for me until last week. After receiving the devastating news from my Dad about my Mom’s cancer returning, all I could do was cry myself to sleep, and that is exactly where Danika found when she came back to the apartment last week. She said she knew something was wrong and had thought it was my ear ache coming back, but I told her no, it was much worse and then...the tears just fell uncontrollably.

She has never seen me fall asleep on the couch unless I was sick. After I had told her about the phone call with my Dad, she sat with me for a really long time. I just could not stop sobbing. I am so thankful for her. I know I have said this so many times, but when I need a friend, she is always there for me. As she usually does, she told me she would help me and suggested I go to Bible study with her again.

She urged me to go back to the Bible Study I had gone to with her several months ago, and I hadn’t gone back. She said at least try again and see if we can get some help. So I agreed to go. She has such a strong faith; I wish I had her faith now.

So, on Sunday afternoon, we head over to the hall where the service takes place every week. As the Pastor had asked us to do last time, we bowed our heads to pray an opening prayer. This time I bowed my head and kept my eyes shut! I needed help now more than ever. What else could I do?

As the Pastor opened up with his prayer for our group, he said something I hadn’t heard before...or maybe if I had, I don’t remember. Something about Exodus and God is Jehovah Rapha, the Lord Your God, The Healer. I couldn’t believe he said that. How did he know? I had just been asking for days how could I help my Mom? How could she be healed from this again? How is it possible that this Pastor would know that was the very question that had been on my mind for days!

I opened my eyes at that very minute as Danika squeezed my hand. I looked up to see everyone else’s eyes were closed! Is this faith? I can’t help but question it. Can God save my Mom? Would He heal her? Why would the Pastor say the exact thing I wanted to hear?

So many unanswered questions, but I know I will come back again next week to hear more! There is so much I need to learn.

I talked to my mom on Saturday night, and I could tell she was tired, and I could hear the worry in her voice. I tried to stay happy and upbeat and let her know everything was going to be okay! Maybe it is going to be alright? Maybe…I don't know!


Sunday, February 12, 2017

This Can’t Be Happening Again...

I had just hung up the phone with Dad, he had called to tell me the news about Mom.  His voice had been strained, like he had been crying, I could tell.  He got just enough of the words out for me to understand what he was trying to tell me, “Mom’s tests...”  

I cannot put into words the pain and heartache I felt for him and Mom just then.  My heart began to race, so many thoughts and emotions swirling in my mind and body.  I must sit down, I thought to myself.    

Dad said Mom is exhausted and she is resting comfortably now. The doctor has prescribed her some medication to help her sleep.  He told me there were many decisions that needed to be made and asked if I could come home again during Spring Break?    

“Yes, of course Dad!”  I replied back to him.   

I don’t know what to think, or feel or do! I was so sure my Mom was going to be okay after the last tests were done. I don’t have many answers right now.  Dad says it’s breast cancer and Mom has a few options, if you can call them that! Basically, at this point, I wish I hadn’t picked up the phone.  I know that may sound terrible to some people, but I really just wish I hadn’t picked it up, like somehow I could have stopped this all from happening if I hadn’t.  I wish I were anywhere but where I am right now.  

Danika had to work late and I am all alone.  I don’t know where I can go.  I don’t know who I can talk to.  I wish Danika were here.  I wish I could be back at home right now with Mom and Dad.  

This can’t be happening again. 
Wasn’t once enough?