Spring Break

I plan to go home during Spring Break to help my father with my mother’s things. That was something he and I couldn’t do during the funeral with all the arrangements that had to be made for her.

My grandpa is so heartbroken. Maybe if I go home I can cheer them both up.

I don’t want to do this. Going through Mom’s things is going to be extremely difficult!

I must push through the feelings of despair, loss, grief, anger and abandonment.

I thought we still had tomorrow…

.Lily

Anger Sets In

Why did she have to die?

Why her?

God didn’t heal her!

Why was there so much hope?
Then to see that hope squashed by the finality of DEATH!

Why God? Why?


.Lily

The Funeral

As you may have gathered from my last post, my mother has passed away.

I sat between my father and grandpa in the Church pew, just as I had when I was a little girl, sitting in this very church.
Sobbing uncontrollably.

I have not slept.
I cannot eat.

I have said my last goodbye.
I cannot be consoled.

I see all the people and nod my head as they speak condolences to me and my family.

Her voice continually plays in my mind… ”My love for you continues, forever!”

I have lost one of the greatest loves in my life!

How do I even begin to live without her?


.Lily

No Meaning Left

I have returned back to school.
I left my father with much to do.

My mother’s clothes are still hanging in the closet.
The smell of her perfume still lingers in the house.

I understand the meaning of walking around in a daze now.

I called to let my father know I had arrived safely back at my apartment.

It was the first time I had called home and realized she wasn’t there anymore.

I fell asleep exhausted on the couch.

I awoke with a soaked pillow full of sorrow.

.Lily

Going Home

It is time for me to go home.
My father has called to say my mother is not well.
Sorry, dear Readers, I must go for now.


.Lily

Dream Journal

I appear to be writing at a desk, surrounded by piles of books. The desk is rather large and made of a deep cherry wood. The sunlight comes in at an angle, reflecting off the pages at my fingertips. Peeking thru the curtains, I can feel the the warmth. I exhale deeply.

“How odd,” I think to myself aloud.
The titles are all blurred as if they weren’t meant to be seen yet.
Some books are sprawled out and I am furiously taking notes.

Maybe an author is what I will become after all. A dream not so lost….


.Lily

Carefree Days of the Past

I’ve begun to wonder once again how people, in general, are supposed to cope with such a thing as cancer.

I have had to struggle with what seems like uncontrollable emotions. Maintaining my classes and my job at the library has been overwhelming, to say the least. This isn’t like me at all… at least not who I used to be, before all of this.

I see others walking the campus grounds, free of problems while laughing and smiling. I remember what that felt like. I want it back! Those days of the past. Carefree and filled with fantasies from my mind.

I feel as if I am failing somehow. A fracture within my mind may be inevitable. Or is this just another distraction to make me think I will somehow fail?


.Lily

Rollercoaster

A phone call from my Dad and my emotions plummet back into darkness.
My Mom’s blood counts have dropped again!!

He says it could be just temporary. Possibly leveling off but not where the doctor would like them to be. This isn’t supposed to be happening!!! She looked so much better just a few short weeks ago!

I was just starting to think it was time to go ahead and publish my ebook.

Maybe now is not the time….


.Lily

A New Year

Being home with my family over Christmas break has been wonderful.
I felt as if I were a young child again. Happy, content, and secure.

I can’t wait to get back to class and get my head back into the game.
A sports analogy, if you would… funny.

I have let things in my mind distract me from my goals, but no longer.

It’s a New Year!

To a fresh start and new beginnings.


.Lily

Dream Journal

I pull the book from the library shelf.

Why am I usually alone in here at the library?

The binding on the book is very old.


It smells of old cologne, like it had lain in a desk drawer or maybe a dresser?

I can hear the crinkle of the pages, as if they would crumble beneath my fingers if I were to flip them.


I begin to read about a man and his story of days of old.

He speaks of a different time and place, one of which I recognize…


How is this even possible?


.Lily

Dream Journal

I see myself, but I am much older.

I am amongst several hundred people at some type of celebration. They are dressed up in gowns and tuxedos.

Tables decorated so elegantly with beautiful bouquets perfectly arranged. Gorgeous chandeliers and background music as if I were at an opera.

There is a gentleman walking towards me, and he says, “They are ready for you now,” as he takes my arm in his and leads me to the stage.

.Lily 

Study Group

For once I actually want to go to the Bible study group! This time, I feel like I can share my thoughts with them. After all, I finally have an answered prayer!

I share the news of the new trial medication my mom started taking and that this week she is feeling so much better!

They say things like “Praise God” and “Hallelujah.” I still feel like I can’t say these things, at least not yet. They speak of God’s blessings as I sit and wonder… is it?

A silent thought, of course.

I guess I am still in shock from the news. It was a good night! I felt good for the first time in such a long time!

There is still hope!

.Lily

A Heart Beats Again

Dear Readers,

My heart is elated! I received a phone call from my father. My mom’s doctor was reading an article about a new trial medicine and has decided to treat her with it.

I have hope again. My fears have subsided. Maybe God has answered my prayer after all. I feel rather badly now. Maybe I was wrong about God?

My father sounded so happy over the phone. I could feel his smile. Picturing it made me smile.

I let out the deepest breath from my lungs, as if I had been under water this whole time. I almost felt faint.

So much emotion is rushing through my heart and mind right now.

Thank you, God, for an answered prayer!

.Lily

Counseling

Danika has been constantly asking me to go speak with one of the pastors from our Bible study. So I finally give in.

He prays for me and my mom as I sit quietly listening. At least, I am trying to listen. My mind continually turns to other thoughts.

He speaks about how God has a plan, that there is purpose in a person’s life. I hear him speaking about the missions trip we went on, but all I can think about is all the things I missed and didn’t get to see while we were in N.Y.

Don’t get me wrong, helping other people is great. It’s just that there was so much I could have seen and done there, but none of it was possible this summer. I daydream of when I can go back to N.Y. and be a tourist. So many magical places!

This just isn’t working. Counseling is not for me.

Danika is hurt, and I still feel lost! I don’t know what to try next.

.Lily

Decisions, Decisions

So I had made a decision to be done with medications, right? But since then, I’ve been thinking that maybe I was wrong. I may have been too quick to judge. Well, that’s what I mentioned to Danika, but I wasn’t expecting her to be so opinionated about my own personal decision.

She began to lecture me on all the possible outcomes of going back on the medication, as if I didn’t already know! I’m starting to think that maybe this isn’t something medication can fix?

I miss home. I miss my parents.
I miss who I was and who I was to become.

My future was predestined. An author was who I was to be. I feel as if I now have to struggle just to be a student or daughter.

Life was never supposed to be this difficult. I want to go home for Thanksgiving, but this time I just can’t.

I miss the way my life used to be.

.Lily

James

I went through some of my old posts on my blog, back when I first had this idea to share my fantastical writings.

I wanted to be able to share ideas with like-minded people. I know I am not the only one who loves a great fantasy story!

At that time, James would come to my mind often. The thought of him still continues, but he eludes me to this day.

The Refraction was real! He was sooo vivid, stirring my emotions from within. As impossible as it sounds, I sensed a connection to something much bigger.

James? Where are you?

.Lily

Girls Day Out

I have to give Danika credit; she continues to try and cheer me up! She still reaches out to me as a good friend would do and asks me out for lunch.

She promises to keep things light in conversation. We are just going to hang out like we used to do.

We go out and get our nails done after lunch. That thought had never occured to me. I don’t even polish my nails! I wear little to no makeup. Mascara is applied if I feel like “dressing up.”

Ever since I had the reflection of James in my mirror, oh so long ago, I’ve thought about him every time I go to put on mascara. I have to think twice about it. Sometimes I wish I’d see him again.

Just so you know, getting your nails done hurts! But the pain was worth it - they look beautiful. I am grateful I have a friend like her who still sees some good in me!

.Lily

Dream Journal

My vivid dreams continue. They begin to have repeating elements, images. 

Dragons and fire.

Glimpses of myself in a strange place.

A necklace or some kind of medallion.

A two-headed snake with wings.

Peasants.

A river.

Ice.

Tunnels.


I wake up in sweats. They rob me of my rest. I don’t need this right now.

.Lily

Medication

I am wrestling with the effects of the medicine. Although I thought that I could do this temporarily, I feel as if I have deceived myself.

I have done extensive research on the medications I have taken up to this point. The effects on my own mind and body have been significant, and not in a good way.

At this point, I have decided once and for all that I am done with medication.

Normalcy is now what I desire. I feel out of sorts in my mind. My focus and concentration has diminished, greatly.

My creativity feels dimmed. As heavy as the pain and worry are, trying to numb them has also prevented the passion and inspiration from flowing. I must find an alternative way to cope with my burdens.

I know it must be done. It has to be done. If nothing else, for my own sanity.

.Lily

Reminiscing about Brooklyn

Danika and I return to the Bible Study. The group is growing, and they have asked Danika to speak about our missions trip to Brooklyn.

Danika does most of the talking. To see her face light up over missions work brings a smile to my face. Her devotion to God is amazing.

I sometimes wish I had her desire. I still feel out of place around her. As if I am lying to these people. I want to believe, I truly do.

How is it that I can believe in fairytales, but I can't seem to grasp the idea of God being real?

I think the fantasy world just makes more sense in my mind.

.Lily