Saturday, July 29, 2017

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Now, I cannot wake up! God, what is wrong with me? I lay awake next to my alarm, which buzzes in my mind for the third time.

My doctor switched my medication last week to an anti-anxiety medication. Now, I have been late to work at the library twice.

My supervisor has understood the issues I have, but she warned me not to be late again.

Another call to the doctor and another appointment.

In other news, Danika has invited me to a back-to-school party, to get me out of the house. So I decided to go. After all, I went to that party last year and had such a great time. At least for a few hours I can be someone other than myself.


Saturday, July 22, 2017

Dream Journal Entry

I am running fast, really fast, as if I am running above the ground.

I am back in the forest. I can smell fires burning. I can see orange skies. I smell burning flesh.

I have fallen through the tunnel, again.

There is a door; I walk through. I stand within a city, where all I see is blood, death, and destruction.

I wake up screaming, my own clothing drenched from sweat.

I do not go back to sleep.


Night Terrors

You have heard of night terrors, right? Yeah, me too. Only I don't ever really remember having nightmares before, let alone night terrors.

So last week, I went to the scheduled appointment with the doctor. She was surprisingly really nice. We went over all the basic information: name, background, etc, and then I unloaded everything I have kept inside for so long, or at least as much as I could within our forty-five minute time slot. I wanted to cry, but I don't think I have any tears left, honestly.

By the end of the counseling session, she recommended me a prescription for some sleep aid. She told me to call her if there were any problems. Well, after last night, it is time to make a call to her.

I have truly never been more scared.


Saturday, July 15, 2017

Sleepless Nights

And this week? No sleep. I jinxed myself, I think. It was the one thing I had, the only thing I had… sleep.

Sleeping... where I don’t have to think. My mind has no order.

Staring blankly out of my window. I lose track of time.

Danika made an appointment for me with a counselor, but I didn’t want to go. She keeps interfering with me and my life. She is starting to make me angry.

God isn’t helping me. Or else He is busy. My prayers go unanswered.

I did end up going to the counselor’s office. Turns out, she is a psychiatrist. Great, I think to myself, just great!


Saturday, July 8, 2017


I have slept all week. I walk around as if I am a zombie. I can’t eat. I am sleeping but I certainly do not feel rested. Danika has tried all week to keep things up around the apartment.

I have had to work at the library. I am managing to get my work done, but it just isn’t the same. I love books!! What is going on with me? I haven’t lost my passion for writing??? Or have I?

Danika thinks I need to speak with the pastor from our study group. I think she is right. She keeps praying for me. I feel nothing... except lost and completely hopeless.


Saturday, July 1, 2017


I drove back to Lynchburg from my parents’ home, promising them both that I would come home again as soon as I possibly could. I feel the guilt, as if all of my efforts, all of my research, has failed my mom and dad.

You pray to God for help and mercy. You have hope because others have hope, you hear of other people who tell their miracle stories, happening daily.

It always comes back to my one question. Why, God?

Why her? I just don’t have an answer.

Doesn’t He hear me? Isn’t it said that if you trust and obey, God will give you what you ask for?

Where God are you? Do you hear me God? Where is my miracle?