Saturday, October 28, 2017

Girls Day Out

I have to give Danika credit; she continues to try and cheer me up! She still reaches out to me as a good friend would do and asks me out for lunch.

She promises to keep things light in conversation. We are just going to hang out like we used to do.

We go out and get our nails done after lunch. That thought had never occured to me. I don’t even polish my nails! I wear little to no makeup. Mascara is applied if I feel like “dressing up.”

Ever since I had the reflection of James in my mirror, oh so long ago, I’ve thought about him every time I go to put on mascara. I have to think twice about it. Sometimes I wish I’d see him again.

Just so you know, getting your nails done hurts! But the pain was worth it - they look beautiful. I am grateful I have a friend like her who still sees some good in me!


Saturday, October 21, 2017

Dream Journal

My vivid dreams continue. They begin to have repeating elements, images. 

Dragons and fire.

Glimpses of myself in a strange place.

A necklace or some kind of medallion.

A two-headed snake with wings.


A river.



I wake up in sweats. They rob me of my rest. I don’t need this right now.


Saturday, October 14, 2017


I am wrestling with the effects of the medicine. Although I thought that I could do this temporarily, I feel as if I have deceived myself.

I have done extensive research on the medications I have taken up to this point. The effects on my own mind and body have been significant, and not in a good way.

At this point, I have decided once and for all that I am done with medication.

Normalcy is now what I desire. I feel out of sorts in my mind. My focus and concentration has diminished, greatly.

My creativity feels dimmed. As heavy as the pain and worry are, trying to numb them has also prevented the passion and inspiration from flowing. I must find an alternative way to cope with my burdens.

I know it must be done. It has to be done. If nothing else, for my own sanity.


Saturday, October 7, 2017

Reminiscing about Brooklyn

Danika and I return to the Bible Study. The group is growing, and they have asked Danika to speak about our missions trip to Brooklyn.

Danika does most of the talking. To see her face light up over missions work brings a smile to my face. Her devotion to God is amazing.

I sometimes wish I had her desire. I still feel out of place around her. As if I am lying to these people. I want to believe, I truly do.

How is it that I can believe in fairytales, but I can't seem to grasp the idea of God being real?

I think the fantasy world just makes more sense in my mind.