The Funeral

As you may have gathered from my last post, my mother has passed away.

I sat between my father and grandpa in the Church pew, just as I had when I was a little girl, sitting in this very church.
Sobbing uncontrollably.

I have not slept.
I cannot eat.

I have said my last goodbye.
I cannot be consoled.

I see all the people and nod my head as they speak condolences to me and my family.

Her voice continually plays in my mind… ”My love for you continues, forever!”

I have lost one of the greatest loves in my life!

How do I even begin to live without her?


.Lily

No Meaning Left

I have returned back to school.
I left my father with much to do.

My mother’s clothes are still hanging in the closet.
The smell of her perfume still lingers in the house.

I understand the meaning of walking around in a daze now.

I called to let my father know I had arrived safely back at my apartment.

It was the first time I had called home and realized she wasn’t there anymore.

I fell asleep exhausted on the couch.

I awoke with a soaked pillow full of sorrow.

.Lily

Going Home

It is time for me to go home.
My father has called to say my mother is not well.
Sorry, dear Readers, I must go for now.


.Lily

Dream Journal

I appear to be writing at a desk, surrounded by piles of books. The desk is rather large and made of a deep cherry wood. The sunlight comes in at an angle, reflecting off the pages at my fingertips. Peeking thru the curtains, I can feel the the warmth. I exhale deeply.

“How odd,” I think to myself aloud.
The titles are all blurred as if they weren’t meant to be seen yet.
Some books are sprawled out and I am furiously taking notes.

Maybe an author is what I will become after all. A dream not so lost….


.Lily

Carefree Days of the Past

I’ve begun to wonder once again how people, in general, are supposed to cope with such a thing as cancer.

I have had to struggle with what seems like uncontrollable emotions. Maintaining my classes and my job at the library has been overwhelming, to say the least. This isn’t like me at all… at least not who I used to be, before all of this.

I see others walking the campus grounds, free of problems while laughing and smiling. I remember what that felt like. I want it back! Those days of the past. Carefree and filled with fantasies from my mind.

I feel as if I am failing somehow. A fracture within my mind may be inevitable. Or is this just another distraction to make me think I will somehow fail?


.Lily

A New Year

Being home with my family over Christmas break has been wonderful.
I felt as if I were a young child again. Happy, content, and secure.

I can’t wait to get back to class and get my head back into the game.
A sports analogy, if you would… funny.

I have let things in my mind distract me from my goals, but no longer.

It’s a New Year!

To a fresh start and new beginnings.


.Lily

Study Group

For once I actually want to go to the Bible study group! This time, I feel like I can share my thoughts with them. After all, I finally have an answered prayer!

I share the news of the new trial medication my mom started taking and that this week she is feeling so much better!

They say things like “Praise God” and “Hallelujah.” I still feel like I can’t say these things, at least not yet. They speak of God’s blessings as I sit and wonder… is it?

A silent thought, of course.

I guess I am still in shock from the news. It was a good night! I felt good for the first time in such a long time!

There is still hope!

.Lily

Poem

Alone at night, missing my childhood home,

A child’s memory of her mother.

Distinct memories of smelling baked pie,

The warmth of her love enduring through time.


What will I do without her beating heart?

My days are void of thought or conclusion.

Father will be destroyed, full of despair.

His breath is combined with hers, now left null.


An animal caught in a snare, broken.

Surrendered to what may come, left wounded.

She struggles to set herself free and tears,

Eventually she lies down and twists.


She breaks free with an unknown destiny…

And strives to mend what time alone could heal.


.Lily

Decisions, Decisions

So I had made a decision to be done with medications, right? But since then, I’ve been thinking that maybe I was wrong. I may have been too quick to judge. Well, that’s what I mentioned to Danika, but I wasn’t expecting her to be so opinionated about my own personal decision.

She began to lecture me on all the possible outcomes of going back on the medication, as if I didn’t already know! I’m starting to think that maybe this isn’t something medication can fix?

I miss home. I miss my parents.
I miss who I was and who I was to become.

My future was predestined. An author was who I was to be. I feel as if I now have to struggle just to be a student or daughter.

Life was never supposed to be this difficult. I want to go home for Thanksgiving, but this time I just can’t.

I miss the way my life used to be.

.Lily

James

I went through some of my old posts on my blog, back when I first had this idea to share my fantastical writings.

I wanted to be able to share ideas with like-minded people. I know I am not the only one who loves a great fantasy story!

At that time, James would come to my mind often. The thought of him still continues, but he eludes me to this day.

The Refraction was real! He was sooo vivid, stirring my emotions from within. As impossible as it sounds, I sensed a connection to something much bigger.

James? Where are you?

.Lily

Girls Day Out

I have to give Danika credit; she continues to try and cheer me up! She still reaches out to me as a good friend would do and asks me out for lunch.

She promises to keep things light in conversation. We are just going to hang out like we used to do.

We go out and get our nails done after lunch. That thought had never occured to me. I don’t even polish my nails! I wear little to no makeup. Mascara is applied if I feel like “dressing up.”

Ever since I had the reflection of James in my mirror, oh so long ago, I’ve thought about him every time I go to put on mascara. I have to think twice about it. Sometimes I wish I’d see him again.

Just so you know, getting your nails done hurts! But the pain was worth it - they look beautiful. I am grateful I have a friend like her who still sees some good in me!

.Lily

Medication

I am wrestling with the effects of the medicine. Although I thought that I could do this temporarily, I feel as if I have deceived myself.

I have done extensive research on the medications I have taken up to this point. The effects on my own mind and body have been significant, and not in a good way.

At this point, I have decided once and for all that I am done with medication.

Normalcy is now what I desire. I feel out of sorts in my mind. My focus and concentration has diminished, greatly.

My creativity feels dimmed. As heavy as the pain and worry are, trying to numb them has also prevented the passion and inspiration from flowing. I must find an alternative way to cope with my burdens.

I know it must be done. It has to be done. If nothing else, for my own sanity.

.Lily

Reminiscing about Brooklyn

Danika and I return to the Bible Study. The group is growing, and they have asked Danika to speak about our missions trip to Brooklyn.

Danika does most of the talking. To see her face light up over missions work brings a smile to my face. Her devotion to God is amazing.

I sometimes wish I had her desire. I still feel out of place around her. As if I am lying to these people. I want to believe, I truly do.

How is it that I can believe in fairytales, but I can't seem to grasp the idea of God being real?

I think the fantasy world just makes more sense in my mind.

.Lily

One More Time

He is so easy to talk to. Genuinely, one of the good guys. He still has great compassion for the youth in our community, and he continues to mentor them.

Seems to me his life is going very well now. I can't help but be happy for him.

We had a great coffee date... well, that's how he put it, anyway. A date...
My first real date...

I told him I was sorry, but I had to leave. I had another doctor’s appointment. He said he would give me a call. I told him I would like that very much.

When leaving the doctor's office this time, she changed my prescription to antidepressants.

This is not how I imagined my life. I don't like medications. I don't normally take them. I always believed you could get through things in life without them.

Maybe I was wrong. I feel like I really need the help.

I have been trying to get better by myself and it worked for a while, but now…

.Lily

It’s Just Coffee

I got a call from my friend Brian. Remember him, the baseball player? We spent quite a bit of time talking. It was nice to be able to talk to him again.

I had forgotten how much fun we had together while I was doing the research for my book.

We caught up a little more since we ran into each other at the restaurant a few weeks ago.

He said he had wanted to ask me out on a date back then, but he just didn't have the courage.

I told him I wasn't dating. I am not one of those girls who has time for a relationship right now.

It has been a while since I have laughed. He is really funny.

I guess he found his courage and asked me out for coffee.

I said yes.

It's just coffee right?


.Lily

Reality or Delusion

Ok, I can see now this medication is not helping me.

The doctor has agreed to take me off of the medicine for now.

My mind is cluttered. My focus is diminished.

My life is spinning out of control.

My sleep is irregular at best.

My friend and I are trying to work out our differences.

I have got to pull myself out of this mess.


.Lily

Another Fight

Danika and I are at odds with one another, again. I felt it was time we sat down together. To explain to her how I really have been feeling lately.

I feel the strain on our friendship, but we also live together so it makes this situation even harder. We struggle to speak, and I can see the disappointment in her eyes.

I have so much going on in my life right now, and she knows all of this.

I was once perfect, but now I am breaking ever so slowly.

.Lily

Small Groups

Danika manages to drag me to another small group study. I go just to appease her.

Somehow she has her life together, and I don't. I had my whole life planned out. Every year, goals were set and met. Accomplished.

This year has seen its ups and downs. The people at these meetings do not know how I feel. They don't care about me. They don't even know me.

I am not Danika. I am Lily.


.Lily

Mixed Up Emotions

Mom calls, and she has excitement in her voice! Good news! A new medicine! A trial, of course, but certainly worth a shot, according to Mom!

I had my first fight with Danika, at the end of party of all places! Everything was great until some guy offered me a drink. Danika is not my mother, and I am not a child.

For the first time, I could breathe, and my mind wasn't flooded with doubt and darkness.

I liked the drink; it was sweet. Danika tried to take it out of my hands and ended up spilling it all over herself. She then tried to get me to leave the party, but I was finally having fun and I wasn't about to stop.

I haven't spoken to her yet, but I am going out again tonight with some new friends.


.Lily

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Now, I cannot wake up! God, what is wrong with me? I lay awake next to my alarm, which buzzes in my mind for the third time.

My doctor switched my medication last week to an anti-anxiety medication. Now, I have been late to work at the library twice.

My supervisor has understood the issues I have, but she warned me not to be late again.

Another call to the doctor and another appointment.

In other news, Danika has invited me to a back-to-school party, to get me out of the house. So I decided to go. After all, I went to that party last year and had such a great time. At least for a few hours I can be someone other than myself.


.Lily