Monday, February 27, 2017

Reality Sets In

I have been sleeping in when I can which isn’t often, and on other days I sit and stare at the ceiling for hours unable to shut my mind off or keep my eyes closed. Danika tells me to take a walk and get outside. I don’t care to go anywhere or even talk now. But I get dressed and decide to take her up on her advice and take a walk. I have done some of my best writing while walking.

So as I took my regular route around the beautiful walkways on campus and head over to the fountain, it is close to the same time of the evening when I am usually getting off work from the library. The trees are usually where I choose to sit underneath, and my mind can wander, and I am able to think about my writings. Now my mind is consumed with dark thoughts, and I can’t seem to find a place in my mind to settle.

I haven’t coped well with the news from my Dad, about my mother’s breast cancer returning. I have gone to classes and been in the library to help others with their writing and assignments. But, you know, I am understanding, for the first time, what people mean when they say they are going through the motions and not really present. I don’t know how others can work a full-time job or raise children.

My mind has been clouded with darkness. I manage to think what would life be like to live without her. What if she isn’t going to make it? What if this time nothing works? Does god help everyone? Does he see me cry? Does he know how much this hurts? Why her? It is an awful feeling of disillusion.

I have spoken to Mom on the phone, and she sounds fine, just tired. I don’t know what to say to her or even how to comfort her. I already feel inadequate to help her in any way, being so far away from home.

My Dad is holding everything together until I can get there during Spring Break. My Grandpa is so upset, what can I possibly tell him? How do I shut this all off? What do I do? What can I do? There has to be something I can do for her….

I remember sitting here and listening to the other students last year speak about the play Peter Pan and listening to laughter all around me, but now it is silent, still and dark, and yet somehow I am content right here, right now.

I have to find a way to help her. I have to find a way for her to be ok. There is something I can do; I just don’t know what it is yet! My walk past the fountain made me think of when I saw James. I did look at the fountain, but I could not see his reflection this time. Maybe it is because it is at night, I wonder about him and where he is at now? I am still sure it was him.

My life as I knew it has shifted somehow…. I must get back home. Danika will begin to worry. I told her I was taking her advice and taking a long walk.

It has been two weeks, and I'm just lost. Where do I go from here? Reality has set in, and I am not ready for this, nor will I ever be!


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