Puzzling Cancer Research

Well, as I have spent the past several days doing research in my spare time to see what is available for my mothers’ diagnosis of breast cancer. I almost feel as if I wished I had not begun this search.

I have had to do research before for papers and writing assignments, but this, this here is not the same. After writing the other day about the thoughts running through my mind and all the unanswered questions therein, I now have only created more than before.

I am not sure this was a good idea. I see why now they tell you not to research a medical condition online. I am overwhelmed by the options and have no medical background to know what would be best for my mom’s particular diagnosis.

I have much more to look up and much more to research. This is not going to be easy. I have to make sure which tests have already been done and which tests still need to be performed.

If you just chose to look up breast cancer in general, you have hundreds of pages of articles and documents alone. If you decide a homeopathic path, there is an abundance of health knowledge, but then you must read through all of it and decipher if it is of any value to you?

I don’t want to call my Mom and ask her about every question I have. I don’t see how that will be beneficial to her. I do know she has a Grade two cancer on the breast, and there are several options for her to choose from, but there has to be an easier way than Chemotherapy or radiation therapy, lumpectomy or mastectomy, hormone therapy or targeted therapy.

I looked further into the homeopathic option, but it has just become a mass of information that extends deep into the unknown void of unproven test ran by some wackos. Thus, I'm still just as clueless as to which will work for her? Is any of these options going to work for her? Are any of these options going to harm her?

I just don't know!

Maybe after I can go home and speak with Mom and Dad, I can get a better understanding of what it is I can do and how to better research these choices. I feel as if I am drowning in a sea of information that isn’t helping me do anything for my mother except being more confused and frustrated than I already was.

I was able to look up one site that has given me some real information, and from here I will continue my research, but this isn’t going to be easy. Why is it that I can’t just find the answer for her? She is always the one who has been there for me and now all I feel is lost and scared... like I'm was a child again.

Please tell me there is hope.

.Lily

Reality Sets In

I have been sleeping in when I can which isn’t often, and on other days I sit and stare at the ceiling for hours unable to shut my mind off or keep my eyes closed. Danika tells me to take a walk and get outside. I don’t care to go anywhere or even talk now. But I get dressed and decide to take her up on her advice and take a walk. I have done some of my best writing while walking.

So as I took my regular route around the beautiful walkways on campus and head over to the fountain, it is close to the same time of the evening when I am usually getting off work from the library. The trees are usually where I choose to sit underneath, and my mind can wander, and I am able to think about my writings. Now my mind is consumed with dark thoughts, and I can’t seem to find a place in my mind to settle.

I haven’t coped well with the news from my Dad, about my mother’s breast cancer returning. I have gone to classes and been in the library to help others with their writing and assignments. But, you know, I am understanding, for the first time, what people mean when they say they are going through the motions and not really present. I don’t know how others can work a full-time job or raise children.

My mind has been clouded with darkness. I manage to think what would life be like to live without her. What if she isn’t going to make it? What if this time nothing works? Does god help everyone? Does he see me cry? Does he know how much this hurts? Why her? It is an awful feeling of disillusion.

I have spoken to Mom on the phone, and she sounds fine, just tired. I don’t know what to say to her or even how to comfort her. I already feel inadequate to help her in any way, being so far away from home.

My Dad is holding everything together until I can get there during Spring Break. My Grandpa is so upset, what can I possibly tell him? How do I shut this all off? What do I do? What can I do? There has to be something I can do for her….

I remember sitting here and listening to the other students last year speak about the play Peter Pan and listening to laughter all around me, but now it is silent, still and dark, and yet somehow I am content right here, right now.

I have to find a way to help her. I have to find a way for her to be ok. There is something I can do; I just don’t know what it is yet! My walk past the fountain made me think of when I saw James. I did look at the fountain, but I could not see his reflection this time. Maybe it is because it is at night, I wonder about him and where he is at now? I am still sure it was him.

My life as I knew it has shifted somehow…. I must get back home. Danika will begin to worry. I told her I was taking her advice and taking a long walk.

It has been two weeks, and I'm just lost. Where do I go from here? Reality has set in, and I am not ready for this, nor will I ever be!


.Lily

The Second Time Down

Life was going very well for me until last week. After receiving the devastating news from my Dad about my Mom’s cancer returning, all I could do was cry myself to sleep, and that is exactly where Danika found when she came back to the apartment last week. She said she knew something was wrong and had thought it was my ear ache coming back, but I told her no, it was much worse and then...the tears just fell uncontrollably.

She has never seen me fall asleep on the couch unless I was sick. After I had told her about the phone call with my Dad, she sat with me for a really long time. I just could not stop sobbing. I am so thankful for her. I know I have said this so many times, but when I need a friend, she is always there for me. As she usually does, she told me she would help me and suggested I go to Bible study with her again.

She urged me to go back to the Bible Study I had gone to with her several months ago, and I hadn’t gone back. She said at least try again and see if we can get some help. So I agreed to go. She has such a strong faith; I wish I had her faith now.

So, on Sunday afternoon, we head over to the hall where the service takes place every week. As the Pastor had asked us to do last time, we bowed our heads to pray an opening prayer. This time I bowed my head and kept my eyes shut! I needed help now more than ever. What else could I do?

As the Pastor opened up with his prayer for our group, he said something I hadn’t heard before...or maybe if I had, I don’t remember. Something about Exodus and God is Jehovah Rapha, the Lord Your God, The Healer. I couldn’t believe he said that. How did he know? I had just been asking for days how could I help my Mom? How could she be healed from this again? How is it possible that this Pastor would know that was the very question that had been on my mind for days!

I opened my eyes at that very minute as Danika squeezed my hand. I looked up to see everyone else’s eyes were closed! Is this faith? I can’t help but question it. Can God save my Mom? Would He heal her? Why would the Pastor say the exact thing I wanted to hear?

So many unanswered questions, but I know I will come back again next week to hear more! There is so much I need to learn.

I talked to my mom on Saturday night, and I could tell she was tired, and I could hear the worry in her voice. I tried to stay happy and upbeat and let her know everything was going to be okay! Maybe it is going to be alright? Maybe…I don't know!

.Lily

This Can’t Be Happening Again...

I had just hung up the phone with Dad, he had called to tell me the news about Mom.  His voice had been strained, like he had been crying, I could tell.  He got just enough of the words out for me to understand what he was trying to tell me, “Mom’s tests...”  

I cannot put into words the pain and heartache I felt for him and Mom just then.  My heart began to race, so many thoughts and emotions swirling in my mind and body.  I must sit down, I thought to myself.    

Dad said Mom is exhausted and she is resting comfortably now. The doctor has prescribed her some medication to help her sleep.  He told me there were many decisions that needed to be made and asked if I could come home again during Spring Break?    

“Yes, of course Dad!”  I replied back to him.   

I don’t know what to think, or feel or do! I was so sure my Mom was going to be okay after the last tests were done. I don’t have many answers right now.  Dad says it’s breast cancer and Mom has a few options, if you can call them that! Basically, at this point, I wish I hadn’t picked up the phone.  I know that may sound terrible to some people, but I really just wish I hadn’t picked it up, like somehow I could have stopped this all from happening if I hadn’t.  I wish I were anywhere but where I am right now.  

Danika had to work late and I am all alone.  I don’t know where I can go.  I don’t know who I can talk to.  I wish Danika were here.  I wish I could be back at home right now with Mom and Dad.  

This can’t be happening again. 

Wasn’t once enough?  

.Lily

Back to Class

“Are you sure you are alright to drive, Lily?” Mom said.

“Yes, Mom, I will be fine!” Lily said.

“Danika, you will help drive?” Mom said.

“Yes, Ma'am! I will!” said Danika.

“Get in the car Danika, hurry up!” I mumbled so Mom couldn’t hear me!

I love my Mom, but it is time for us to get back to school!!

I think I lost two whole days with that earache!

My mind keeps churning over the dream or delusion or whatever it was. It was vivid!

“103-degree fever will do that to you!” the doctor told my family.

I thought I was starting to get another earache, but I must have scared my family and Danika pretty bad. They had taken me to the doctor’s office during Christmas, and I don’t even remember that part.

Danika had asked me just as many times if I am ok as my Mom and Dad had asked me the same question.

We finally get to the gas station and filled up, so with road trip snacks in hand, and we are on our way back to school.

Four more hours to our little apartment and back to the books.

Oh Yeah! I almost forgot.. next week will finally be my launch of my very first e-book!! Don’t forget to look for it!

I have been so busy this Christmas, I almost forgot to post what I have poured my heart and soul into over the past several months, and it is coming out next week!!

So here is to another year down and great success to my e-book.

I will continue to work on and decipher what it is I saw in my dream... reality... or whatever that was I experienced for two days!

It’s just too much to write all at once. Some things are spotty. Danika has already offered to help. Thank God she took notes to what I was saying, lol! She says there is much more to what I said...I am not sure if that is good or bad...Time will tell!

.Lily

Lily…In A Wonder Land

Just a note. I did not write this. I made this post from notes that Danika took because honestly, I do not remember any of it.

~

“Lily, where are you?”

“I can’t see you?”

“I am here.”

“My head is throbbing.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know what is going on?”

“I just laid my head down for a minute.”

“I wasn’t feeling well, I think I see things?”

“It’s not clear yet, everything is fuzzy…”

“Lily….Lily...Lily?”

I am here…..silence

She said I am here, but it wasn’t audible. She thought she had spoken, but she had not. She could hear “What do we do about Lily?”

Then it went black. Then it went silent!

“Who is that?” “Rog...Don’t you remember me?”

“Me? No, I am sorry, I don’t know who you are?” “ How do I know you?”

“We went to school together. Seriously...you don’t remember me?”

“Rog...what kind of name is that?”

“A family name, of course...!”

“Oooh, what was that?” “What was that?”

“Lily, are you ok?”

“ I hear water rushing..why can’t I see anything?”

“ I am so hot! Where are we?”

“Maybe we should call the doctor?”

“The doctor? What for?”

“Do you not remember our first kiss, Lily???”

“What?” “What kiss?” “ I have never kissed anyone in my life! Anyone ever, except for my family!”

“Go back and remember!” "Just go back, you will see….!”

“Danika, Danika?”

“Yes, Lily?”

“I just had the craziest dream!”

“Lily, you have had a fever for several days with your inner earache!”

“You weren’t dreaming, you were delusional!”

“But I saw Rog, I remember now….!”

“Lily lay back down..you need to get your rest.” “We have to get back to school, we are driving home tomorrow. Well, I will be driving home tomorrow!”

“But it was Rog!...Almost like I went through time just like when I met James, again…”

“Lily, who is James…..?” “Lily, Lily?”

Silence.

~

.Lily 

(Danika took the notes)

New and Old Christmas Traditions

So, I wrote this post last week...but in all the excitement of the holidays, I actually forgot to put it on my blog, oops!  But, I am doing that now.

Being home is just that, “Home!”  The place of home is of super significance and valued in my life at this time. I am home visiting my family and friends from childhood.  As I sit here and watch PeePaw unwrap the very unique Christmas ornaments, that once belonged to Granny, I can see his face and the love he still holds for her in his heart.  He takes turns handing out the ornaments to Danika and me so we can decorate the tree, I realize Danika hasn’t heard their love story yet.  He brings out the ornaments that were handmade by Granny explaining to Danika that back when he was young, they made their own ornaments.

Mom is in the kitchen with Dad’s help making hot cocoa and homemade cookies, in the background, you can hear the Christmas music on the old radio, still PeePaw’s favorite!

There is a knock on the door, so I run to see who it is.  We weren’t expecting anyone today!  I open the door to reveal the faces of my old friends from elementary school!  Wow, what an amazing day! Two people from ages ago just come over to say hello and Merry Christmas!  I did not think I would see them ever again!  I used to play with them from time to time so long ago, now they have moved back to our hometown, what a nice surprise!

As we all set around the dinner table on Christmas day, Danika looks at me and says, “You have a great family. Lily, you really do!”

“I do, Danika!" I smile. “I love my family so much!”

I am so glad you came home with me for Christmas, Danika!

I wonder what I will be doing with my own family in 50 years?  Don’t you?

.Lily