The Second Time Down

Life was going very well for me until last week. After receiving the devastating news from my Dad about my Mom’s cancer returning, all I could do was cry myself to sleep, and that is exactly where Danika found when she came back to the apartment last week. She said she knew something was wrong and had thought it was my ear ache coming back, but I told her no, it was much worse and then...the tears just fell uncontrollably.

She has never seen me fall asleep on the couch unless I was sick. After I had told her about the phone call with my Dad, she sat with me for a really long time. I just could not stop sobbing. I am so thankful for her. I know I have said this so many times, but when I need a friend, she is always there for me. As she usually does, she told me she would help me and suggested I go to Bible study with her again.

She urged me to go back to the Bible Study I had gone to with her several months ago, and I hadn’t gone back. She said at least try again and see if we can get some help. So I agreed to go. She has such a strong faith; I wish I had her faith now.

So, on Sunday afternoon, we head over to the hall where the service takes place every week. As the Pastor had asked us to do last time, we bowed our heads to pray an opening prayer. This time I bowed my head and kept my eyes shut! I needed help now more than ever. What else could I do?

As the Pastor opened up with his prayer for our group, he said something I hadn’t heard before...or maybe if I had, I don’t remember. Something about Exodus and God is Jehovah Rapha, the Lord Your God, The Healer. I couldn’t believe he said that. How did he know? I had just been asking for days how could I help my Mom? How could she be healed from this again? How is it possible that this Pastor would know that was the very question that had been on my mind for days!

I opened my eyes at that very minute as Danika squeezed my hand. I looked up to see everyone else’s eyes were closed! Is this faith? I can’t help but question it. Can God save my Mom? Would He heal her? Why would the Pastor say the exact thing I wanted to hear?

So many unanswered questions, but I know I will come back again next week to hear more! There is so much I need to learn.

I talked to my mom on Saturday night, and I could tell she was tired, and I could hear the worry in her voice. I tried to stay happy and upbeat and let her know everything was going to be okay! Maybe it is going to be alright? Maybe…I don't know!

.Lily

This Can’t Be Happening Again...

I had just hung up the phone with Dad, he had called to tell me the news about Mom.  His voice had been strained, like he had been crying, I could tell.  He got just enough of the words out for me to understand what he was trying to tell me, “Mom’s tests...”  

I cannot put into words the pain and heartache I felt for him and Mom just then.  My heart began to race, so many thoughts and emotions swirling in my mind and body.  I must sit down, I thought to myself.    

Dad said Mom is exhausted and she is resting comfortably now. The doctor has prescribed her some medication to help her sleep.  He told me there were many decisions that needed to be made and asked if I could come home again during Spring Break?    

“Yes, of course Dad!”  I replied back to him.   

I don’t know what to think, or feel or do! I was so sure my Mom was going to be okay after the last tests were done. I don’t have many answers right now.  Dad says it’s breast cancer and Mom has a few options, if you can call them that! Basically, at this point, I wish I hadn’t picked up the phone.  I know that may sound terrible to some people, but I really just wish I hadn’t picked it up, like somehow I could have stopped this all from happening if I hadn’t.  I wish I were anywhere but where I am right now.  

Danika had to work late and I am all alone.  I don’t know where I can go.  I don’t know who I can talk to.  I wish Danika were here.  I wish I could be back at home right now with Mom and Dad.  

This can’t be happening again. 

Wasn’t once enough?  

.Lily

Back to Class

“Are you sure you are alright to drive, Lily?” Mom said.

“Yes, Mom, I will be fine!” Lily said.

“Danika, you will help drive?” Mom said.

“Yes, Ma'am! I will!” said Danika.

“Get in the car Danika, hurry up!” I mumbled so Mom couldn’t hear me!

I love my Mom, but it is time for us to get back to school!!

I think I lost two whole days with that earache!

My mind keeps churning over the dream or delusion or whatever it was. It was vivid!

“103-degree fever will do that to you!” the doctor told my family.

I thought I was starting to get another earache, but I must have scared my family and Danika pretty bad. They had taken me to the doctor’s office during Christmas, and I don’t even remember that part.

Danika had asked me just as many times if I am ok as my Mom and Dad had asked me the same question.

We finally get to the gas station and filled up, so with road trip snacks in hand, and we are on our way back to school.

Four more hours to our little apartment and back to the books.

Oh Yeah! I almost forgot.. next week will finally be my launch of my very first e-book!! Don’t forget to look for it!

I have been so busy this Christmas, I almost forgot to post what I have poured my heart and soul into over the past several months, and it is coming out next week!!

So here is to another year down and great success to my e-book.

I will continue to work on and decipher what it is I saw in my dream... reality... or whatever that was I experienced for two days!

It’s just too much to write all at once. Some things are spotty. Danika has already offered to help. Thank God she took notes to what I was saying, lol! She says there is much more to what I said...I am not sure if that is good or bad...Time will tell!

.Lily

Lily…In A Wonder Land

Just a note. I did not write this. I made this post from notes that Danika took because honestly, I do not remember any of it.

~

“Lily, where are you?”

“I can’t see you?”

“I am here.”

“My head is throbbing.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know what is going on?”

“I just laid my head down for a minute.”

“I wasn’t feeling well, I think I see things?”

“It’s not clear yet, everything is fuzzy…”

“Lily….Lily...Lily?”

I am here…..silence

She said I am here, but it wasn’t audible. She thought she had spoken, but she had not. She could hear “What do we do about Lily?”

Then it went black. Then it went silent!

“Who is that?” “Rog...Don’t you remember me?”

“Me? No, I am sorry, I don’t know who you are?” “ How do I know you?”

“We went to school together. Seriously...you don’t remember me?”

“Rog...what kind of name is that?”

“A family name, of course...!”

“Oooh, what was that?” “What was that?”

“Lily, are you ok?”

“ I hear water rushing..why can’t I see anything?”

“ I am so hot! Where are we?”

“Maybe we should call the doctor?”

“The doctor? What for?”

“Do you not remember our first kiss, Lily???”

“What?” “What kiss?” “ I have never kissed anyone in my life! Anyone ever, except for my family!”

“Go back and remember!” "Just go back, you will see….!”

“Danika, Danika?”

“Yes, Lily?”

“I just had the craziest dream!”

“Lily, you have had a fever for several days with your inner earache!”

“You weren’t dreaming, you were delusional!”

“But I saw Rog, I remember now….!”

“Lily lay back down..you need to get your rest.” “We have to get back to school, we are driving home tomorrow. Well, I will be driving home tomorrow!”

“But it was Rog!...Almost like I went through time just like when I met James, again…”

“Lily, who is James…..?” “Lily, Lily?”

Silence.

~

.Lily 

(Danika took the notes)

New and Old Christmas Traditions

So, I wrote this post last week...but in all the excitement of the holidays, I actually forgot to put it on my blog, oops!  But, I am doing that now.

Being home is just that, “Home!”  The place of home is of super significance and valued in my life at this time. I am home visiting my family and friends from childhood.  As I sit here and watch PeePaw unwrap the very unique Christmas ornaments, that once belonged to Granny, I can see his face and the love he still holds for her in his heart.  He takes turns handing out the ornaments to Danika and me so we can decorate the tree, I realize Danika hasn’t heard their love story yet.  He brings out the ornaments that were handmade by Granny explaining to Danika that back when he was young, they made their own ornaments.

Mom is in the kitchen with Dad’s help making hot cocoa and homemade cookies, in the background, you can hear the Christmas music on the old radio, still PeePaw’s favorite!

There is a knock on the door, so I run to see who it is.  We weren’t expecting anyone today!  I open the door to reveal the faces of my old friends from elementary school!  Wow, what an amazing day! Two people from ages ago just come over to say hello and Merry Christmas!  I did not think I would see them ever again!  I used to play with them from time to time so long ago, now they have moved back to our hometown, what a nice surprise!

As we all set around the dinner table on Christmas day, Danika looks at me and says, “You have a great family. Lily, you really do!”

“I do, Danika!" I smile. “I love my family so much!”

I am so glad you came home with me for Christmas, Danika!

I wonder what I will be doing with my own family in 50 years?  Don’t you?

.Lily

Heading Home for Christmas

So as I am about to embark on my road trip home with Danika in tow. We had packed our bags earlier this week, so as we finished up this semester (with a bang) and as soon as our last class was finished, we jumped in our car and headed to the gas station to fill up and grab road trip snacks….!

I have been on road trips with Mom and Dad, and this is, not that! The last time I had to drive this road I drove alone and I was worried when Dad called me to be there for Mom’s tests. But this road trip is going to be fun!! I am excited to go home, especially after my last visit. Danika was going to stay at the apartment for the holidays, and I couldn't have any of that! I just couldn’t leave her behind!

“You must come and meet my family!”, I told her.

It is a four-hour drive home from the school to Lynchburg, N.C. I can’t wait to see Mom, Dad, and Grandpa! Mom tells me some of my friends from when I was younger (and growing up) are in town for Christmas, so I get to see them too!! I only had a couple of friends, but I would love to see them again, it has been years since we saw each other.

Danika and I don’t listen to the same music, so we have agreed to share the radio and take turns, lol! We laugh like little girls, much younger in a time and place as if it seems like a memory, at least that is how I see it in my mind…

Two girls traveling in a car, going through all the small towns and a few bigger cities, singing "Christmas Carols" and eating chips. I swear I could get used to this, enjoying life, making memories, sharing stories about my hometown with such a great friend, whom I barely knew last year, at this time. I'm so thankful for my family, so thankful for my friend! I can’t wait to get home! And we are almost there!!

Life is really, really good right now! I am back up on my blog! Another semester down!

What more could a girl possibly want? Ice Cream! I want ice cream….I think it is Danika’s turn to drive, don’t you?

See you in a few weeks!!

Always,

.Lily

Believe Me

So as I sit with my morning cup of coffee, I have been able to put my mindset focus back to my writing.

My long list of things to do are done. I stayed here for Thanksgiving, since I had just been home with my parents.

Danika had invited a bunch of friends over for the big turkey day.  Thanksgiving dinner meant something special to me this year.  I was thankful for family but especially, my Mom.

I went last week to Danikas’ Bible Study group and I was surprised to find myself liking the people I was surrounded by.  Ever since meeting Danika I have kind of learned that being an extrovert is a new way of life, I could get use to it.  Although introverted is how I have lived most of my life, extroverts are not as I had envisioned it isn’t arrogance as I had once believed.  It is a different perspective of your personality and how you release your thoughts externally or internal.

I always am thinking about writing, I have been for a long time.  So I have stories in my head not yet penned to paper.  Is that even a word, penned?  Yes, it is I checked.  Lol.

So as we go to Bible Study, of course I can’t stop thinking about the small amount of work still needing to be accomplished and my blog, well, much need for me to sit and write for days, if not weeks.

It’s a small group of people gathered with some tables set out and coffee and water out for others to help themselves. He is a young guy who leads us into prayer and we sit at the tables and have some introductions on who has come for their first time and how do the new people hear of the group.  This was easy for me, my name is Lily and Danika told me about this group.  Next.  We all gather around together and bow our heads to pray.  At this point in time, I feel childlike.  I am instantly reverted back in time as a young girl with my hand in Grandpa's at Church and when I we had to bow and pray I would sneak a look to see if Grandpa’s eyes were closed and then close my eyes, quickly. A refraction in time perhaps?  To a place where I felt safe by just being there.  So as I try to open one eye and look around, another girl has her head up and she sees me.  I start to shut my eyes quickly but I am caught.

She smiles at me, slowly bows her head and shuts her eyes.  Huh, thats how its done.


It’s almost like therapy group that you would see in a movie.  They ask for any prayer requests or if anyone wants to say anything?  Danika looks at me.  There are a few new people, including me.  They just asked me my name and how I heard about the Bible study.  That was easy enough.  Do I really need to say anything more?  So I say well my Mom is the reason I wanted to come.  I explained how I went home after some bad test results after her already battling cancer when I was very young.  I explained her test results came out well.  They began to say Praise God! Thank you, Lord!  I thought, yes, God, thank you!  It was strange.

I would have never said something aloud let alone with an entire group of individuals I had never met before.

As each person shared a good week or a bad moment in their week, we then shared scripture.  It happened to be about submission.  Submission to God.

I think I will be getting help from Danika on this subject as I think to myself.  It rang true, in it all I did submit, everything that happened those last few weeks, I had no control over.

The people I met were kind and funny.  Some struggled with school, some had a great week.  But I felt they genuinely cared about me, complete strangers!

Believe me?

Always,
.Lily