Dreams or Reality Sonnet

When I have spent my nights awake, turning.
My head begins to spin again, aghast.
Remembering my dream, futile yearning.
Future dreams or from my memories past?

Then it becomes a wall of books and shelves.
Inside a building filled with dim light.
The moon casts shadows over our former selves.
We have morphed into destiny tonight.

Then I see the Dream Journal for myself.
My eyes are ever open wondering what calls?
It is tucked amongst the old like Delph.
A vast world unbeknownst, except to walls.

But then I see the Dream has become real.
Where will this lead me, how am I to feel?

.Lily

Remembered Dreams

I remembered my dream last night, at least some of it! How Strange! I don't remember my dreams usually. I had a book. The book was old and worn, it read Dream Journal on the cover.

I can remember opening and the pages having written words on them with different color pencils, I think. It was so vivid, so real. I actually woke up in a sweat. I went out to the store to pick up a new journal book. Let's see if I can remember them again, tonight!

I wish I could remember all that I just read in the book. I was somewhere else when I found the book, but I don't remember where I was? Maybe I will remember today.

Oh, I almost forgot! It was another great small group on Sunday evening with Danika. My Mom is feeling better and I told her how everyone is praying for her.

I think this faith healing is going to work. God is going to cure her, I am sure of it! Till next week, my dear readers.

.Lily

Cancer Research (Part 2)

So, I went to the Bible Study on On Sunday with Danika. I am starting to feel better too! After spending time at home over Spring break and having some of our small group pray for my Mom, I finally have hope for her and her healing.

It's been a busy week, and I have tried to do some more research for her. Reading through all the different websites is exhausting. It's also genuinely confusing at times. I am also not sure which websites have sound information, medically sound that is, and which are just fairy tale remedies.

I have read through some really strange "cures" and I don't think my Mom would want to try them, others sound good, but I just don't know. Then there are the "blogs" I have read, and some of the women have gone through the exact same cancer as she is going through and they are doing well.

It is a long list of things to do and not to do such as no sugar, no carbohydrates, an all organic diet, special teas, homemade recipes and the lists go on and on!

All I do know is something has to work for her! If only I could find "it"! I will keep up on the research and the school and my job at the library, but I have just got to get some rest tonight!


Good Night Dear Readers!
.Lily

Spring Break Returning to School

Back from Spring Break. I am so glad I was able to go home and see my parents. My Mom was in a good mood the entire week but did still look drained.

I spent a lot of time with my Dad while being at home. I was able to ask him a lot of questions while my Mom was resting. There were a lot of issues I did get answers about her options for treatments and test results she had gotten back from the doctor.

Mom has decided to wait on surgery, for now, she wants to try some other options first. The doctor advised against it but after almost a month of my Mom and Dad discussing it, this is what she has decided to do. After Mom had made up her mind, Dad said that was it.

So now I will go back to school and do some more research on alternative medicine and homeopathic remedies. I think it is best to do some serious research and be diligent in my research as well especially what works best for the cancer she has and for her body.

Since she has decided to go in this direction, I feel better, but of course, I am still concerned, but it isn’t my decision either. She has had over a month to decide what she wants to do and I stand by her and her decision she has made.

Dad looked more tired than I expected him to look, he even took a few naps in the afternoon, while Mom slept. I am sure he needed the rest after everything he has been through. He loves my Mom so much, and his concern for her is evident to anyone, even a stranger.

I will be going to the Bible Study on Sunday with Danika again. I am expecting it to be another good night, especially after the last small group gathering.

See you next week, my dear readers!
.Lily

Spring Break

I have never wanted to go home so much as I do today. I am headed home with a four hour drive and nothing but time to think.

I hope to get more answers than I have questions about my Mom.

See ya in a week, Dear Readers!

.Lily

Puzzling Cancer Research

Well, as I have spent the past several days doing research in my spare time to see what is available for my mothers’ diagnosis of breast cancer. I almost feel as if I wished I had not begun this search.

I have had to do research before for papers and writing assignments, but this, this here is not the same. After writing the other day about the thoughts running through my mind and all the unanswered questions therein, I now have only created more than before.

I am not sure this was a good idea. I see why now they tell you not to research a medical condition online. I am overwhelmed by the options and have no medical background to know what would be best for my mom’s particular diagnosis.

I have much more to look up and much more to research. This is not going to be easy. I have to make sure which tests have already been done and which tests still need to be performed.

If you just chose to look up breast cancer in general, you have hundreds of pages of articles and documents alone. If you decide a homeopathic path, there is an abundance of health knowledge, but then you must read through all of it and decipher if it is of any value to you?

I don’t want to call my Mom and ask her about every question I have. I don’t see how that will be beneficial to her. I do know she has a Grade two cancer on the breast, and there are several options for her to choose from, but there has to be an easier way than Chemotherapy or radiation therapy, lumpectomy or mastectomy, hormone therapy or targeted therapy.

I looked further into the homeopathic option, but it has just become a mass of information that extends deep into the unknown void of unproven test ran by some wackos. Thus, I'm still just as clueless as to which will work for her? Is any of these options going to work for her? Are any of these options going to harm her?

I just don't know!

Maybe after I can go home and speak with Mom and Dad, I can get a better understanding of what it is I can do and how to better research these choices. I feel as if I am drowning in a sea of information that isn’t helping me do anything for my mother except being more confused and frustrated than I already was.

I was able to look up one site that has given me some real information, and from here I will continue my research, but this isn’t going to be easy. Why is it that I can’t just find the answer for her? She is always the one who has been there for me and now all I feel is lost and scared... like I'm was a child again.

Please tell me there is hope.

.Lily

Reality Sets In

I have been sleeping in when I can which isn’t often, and on other days I sit and stare at the ceiling for hours unable to shut my mind off or keep my eyes closed. Danika tells me to take a walk and get outside. I don’t care to go anywhere or even talk now. But I get dressed and decide to take her up on her advice and take a walk. I have done some of my best writing while walking.

So as I took my regular route around the beautiful walkways on campus and head over to the fountain, it is close to the same time of the evening when I am usually getting off work from the library. The trees are usually where I choose to sit underneath, and my mind can wander, and I am able to think about my writings. Now my mind is consumed with dark thoughts, and I can’t seem to find a place in my mind to settle.

I haven’t coped well with the news from my Dad, about my mother’s breast cancer returning. I have gone to classes and been in the library to help others with their writing and assignments. But, you know, I am understanding, for the first time, what people mean when they say they are going through the motions and not really present. I don’t know how others can work a full-time job or raise children.

My mind has been clouded with darkness. I manage to think what would life be like to live without her. What if she isn’t going to make it? What if this time nothing works? Does god help everyone? Does he see me cry? Does he know how much this hurts? Why her? It is an awful feeling of disillusion.

I have spoken to Mom on the phone, and she sounds fine, just tired. I don’t know what to say to her or even how to comfort her. I already feel inadequate to help her in any way, being so far away from home.

My Dad is holding everything together until I can get there during Spring Break. My Grandpa is so upset, what can I possibly tell him? How do I shut this all off? What do I do? What can I do? There has to be something I can do for her….

I remember sitting here and listening to the other students last year speak about the play Peter Pan and listening to laughter all around me, but now it is silent, still and dark, and yet somehow I am content right here, right now.

I have to find a way to help her. I have to find a way for her to be ok. There is something I can do; I just don’t know what it is yet! My walk past the fountain made me think of when I saw James. I did look at the fountain, but I could not see his reflection this time. Maybe it is because it is at night, I wonder about him and where he is at now? I am still sure it was him.

My life as I knew it has shifted somehow…. I must get back home. Danika will begin to worry. I told her I was taking her advice and taking a long walk.

It has been two weeks, and I'm just lost. Where do I go from here? Reality has set in, and I am not ready for this, nor will I ever be!


.Lily